Saturday, June 19, 2010

Yesterday was the amazing day, right?

It is true that there is a calm before the storm. Yesterday was the calm God knew I needed before the night began. I guess that can be read figuratively, but I mean it literally: last night was a storm. Oh. I'm rolling my eyes now. Here we go, full circle. Yes, there literally was a storm last night that knocked down trees and powerlines, but now I am talking about a figurative storm: Gideon's sickness. The English language can be so entertaining, and I hope I didn't lose any one of you yet. I am loopy from being over-the-top tired. I'll be simple: Last night was horrendous.

Why can we not determine the cause of so many side effects? Why do we not know if pain is caused by a Chemo treatment or the Leukemia itself? As you know, Gideon had jaw and face pain from the disease last night. Well, that "hot spot" spread throughout his body and he woke up at 2 in the morning screaming in agony (again). The pain mostly radiated from his head, so I made a 360 degree ice pack to press on it, but that couldn't calm him. They gave him morphine. Then more morphine. Then he was kicking his legs and said the sharks were eating those, too. I hate you, cancer. I loathe you. I despise you. If you were a person...

I should stop that rant. I'll save it for my private time.

We were having a family slumber party here, because Brody begged Tom and said, "I just want to know what it's like." That was verbatim. So, Tom and I could not say no. Now I wish we had. To protect Brody, Tom whisked him home. I really believed we would have a great night like the one before last, but I'm not in control of this cancer. That is evident. Gideon continued to twist and contort himself into any gymnast-like pose that may offer relief and nothing did. Finally, he fell asleep. He woke up a few moments later and began to throw up. Then he threw up some more. I could tell that this action made the pain even more intense since he couldn't even cry, but shake and moan. His eyes were sockets of electric suffering. I tried to mold myself around him to apply pressure anywhere I could. Finally, he passed out. I would not say "fall asleep" because that brings about the connotation of relaxation and a gentle and calm drift-off. No. This was the body just collapsing into a heap of exhausted and profound torment.

Now, Gideon is still asleep and I can't stop kissing that precious head of his that seems to have the most sinister of all villains making his home inside. I am praying with every kiss that the spot I am kissing can be free of this pain. Is it the cancer? Is it the chemo? No one knows. I guess I don't have to know, I'm supposed to give it up in prayer. I need your help there, please. My heart is about ready to explode for him. You mommies out there know what I'm talking about: those heart bursts. Your little one scrapes his knee: heart burst. He gets made fun of on the bus: heart burst. I feel like I am spontaneously combusting from the sheer quantity of these heart bursts.

...and another one is coming today. The most painful form of chemotherapy at its injection: The DOUBLE DEEP MUSCLE SHOT. Yes. Two humongous shots into his leg muscles at the same time. (more bursts.) Please pray that Gideon is able to handle this pain and it will be quick.

I need to post some sweet videos of him. If you don't know him, you will from these. And you will fall madly in love, I promise.


  1. We are already madly in love with him and you!
    Praying for today to be a better day than last night's night!

  2. Deb has it right... you express him so well, I'm already in love! I'm praying for Gideon, Brody, you and your husband, and gathering more prayer warriors to help your warrior! God is always victorious!

  3. Amanda, Tom called us in the night and we cried out to God for Gideon and your family! He is with you! I know it! I am asking everyone I can think of to pray for you! We love you!

  4. Praying hard as we can, sweetheart. The 'heart bursts' brought me to tears. I know that pain, so well. Everyone I know is sending all the positive vibes, thoughts, good wishes, and prayers your way. We exalt the good moments and pray harder with the bad ones. Gideon's Army is still working hard for all of you, never doubt that!
    ~~Aunt Nancy~~

  5. Sweet mother, baby, and family,

    Reading my psalm for the day revealed these verses that I'll pass on to you:

    "From the ends of the earth I call to You, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. For You have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in Your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of Your wings" Ps. 61:2-4.

    We love you guys so much and are committing you all to the Savior regularly.

    Much love, Cousin Cath

  6. Amanda, as a mom, I have to say what you are having watch your child go through has to be TORTURE for you. I am crying out to the sovereign God to GIVE YOU STRENGTH.

  7. We are praying for your whole family. Rachel hurts so much for Gideon. She prays so much for him. She keeps us posted everyday from your blog. It must be torture to see Him in pain. What you said about the "heart bursts" is such a vivid picture of what a parent goes through when their child hurts. I am sure God is looking down on you and He is crying too.
    The Bates'
    Bill, Susan ,Rachel, Katie, & Marlana

  8. my mommy-heart weeps for you. My family and I continue to pray for healing so that this nightmare will all seem like a hazy nightmare months from now. Always Praying ~Linda Parker~

  9. Amanda- my heart burts daily it seems and I can't imagine how yours had stayed in tacted, it is truly the Lord. I am sooo sorry to hear about last night. Prayers are with you.

  10. Amanda - My heart breaks for all that you and your family are going through right now. We have been praying for you guys like never before. We don't know each other very well, although I feel like I've gotten to know you through my Logan's first grade year. He adores you and I kmow that you made his first grade year so special for him as well as my husband and I with all of your special touches - photos, cd's just to name a few. What a special person you are. If there is anything at all we can do for you and your family please do not hesitate to ask. You are all in our hearts and prayers.

  11. I pray all the time for God to take Gideon's pain from him. My heart is aching for your son. But God is bigger than any pain, any disease! He can do anything!! Jenelle