My hair is falling out. In chunks. I have zits on my face that truly deserve their own solar system. After Gideon puked up his medicine and all other ingested food for the third time today, I left the room to go have some hyperventilating moments in the garage. Sometimes a positive attitude is so darn easy, and other times...well, I feel like going to the prison in Jackson and asking if there is an inmate who truly deserves to get his butt kicked. Then I would unleash.
Don't get me wrong, I KNOW I am blessed. I know Gideon will get better. I know there are others worse-off... But I'm feeling sorry for myself today, and I get an overwhelming sense of exhaustion when I look at Gideon's medicine schedule. I look at that one itty-bitty month full of medical codes for medicines and my mind automatically produces three years worth of medicinal calendars and I feel defeated. Yup. The negativity monster is rearing his ugly head and it makes me downtrodden and depressed. He says to me, "You can't even get your first full day at home under control! What are you going to do when it gets tougher?" Then he has me look at my precious, lethargic little one and says, "Look at him... He is not the same Gideon who once lived here. He is full of toxins and can't even go to the zoo! This was supposed to be the best summer ever! Full of adventures with your boys." Shut up, monster.
I am having a hard time since part of me feels like Gideon is made out of china: extremely thin and delicate china. He walks all wobbly and unsteady. He gets winded after climbing the stairs. I can tell he is in pain, and when I ask him what hurts he answers me like this, "Nothing. I'm fine, Momma. I'm okay." And then he curls in a ball and rocks back and forth. Right, kid. I SO believe you. :( How he picked up this line, I don't know. He's THREE.
So many of you have commented on my positive outlook and loving attitude. Today I have felt differently... I have had moments today full of laughter, like when I took Brody on an hour playdate and got to laugh with other incredibly amazing adults while our kids played. I felt like a person during that time.
I am thankful that I get out of these slumps in attitude pretty quickly... Nothing a twirl (or six) in the kitchen can't fix, but I guess I feel like I should really share a darker and more dreary Amanda with you all before you start to think I have a Pegasus in my garage that poops stardust. Let's be real, people. I get down. But.... I've gotta look up. Even if my prayers sound half-hearted and like Charlie Brown's teacher in my head, I'm gonna keep saying them. If nothing else, this experience has shown me that I can't depend on my own optimistic nature to get through it all. There are bloodthirsty negativity monsters just waiting for a weak moment. Trust me. I know...