Last night as Gideon and I were snuggled up in his bed, Gideon said, "Mommy! Move over, please. Make room for the angel!" Tom and I tell Gideon about God and Jesus, but we don't talk about angels. This has a back story that only Tom and I know about -- now all of you will know: A few weeks ago, Gideon yelled for me from his room at the top of his voice. When I got there, his face was alight and plastered with the biggest and brightest smile. He looked at me with an unearthly love and said, "Mommy, there's an angel in my bed. See her? She is beautiful!" and then rolled over and went to sleep. As a mom, I won't lie: this freaked me out. I think I sat next to his bed for a long time after that...watching him breathe. Tom came in wondering where I was, and I told him. We both looked at one another in amazement, and fear. All we could say was "Wow." It felt like the heaviest and most fragile moment, and if we talked about it too much, it might fall and break.
Gideon never brought up his angel again, until last night. After I swallowed the lump, I asked him to tell me about his angel. He said, "It's a girl. She fights sharks." Maybe the blood being made in his bones feel like that -- like sharks. I would like to think that his angel knows his pain. That she knows how to talk to him. God is so with this boy. I am so thankful he is comforted by someone not of this world, but of heaven.
Please be praying HARD at 8:45 a.m. when Gideon has his bone marrow extracted. He will be sedated and I have no idea how long this will take, but I was told this: Once the extraction is complete, it will be sent to Mayo and we won't have answers for another 48 hours. Honest truth: This makes me feel so much ANGER. I know it is no one's fault. I know we are being taken care of beautifully, but really. This waiting is making me get more and more ragged and unlike a human. More like a spaced out alien who sees out of my eyes and feels, but is kind of hovering above everything. It makes me feel like I have to disconnect with my mind and heart in order to go from one moment to the next. I will pray, pray, pray and hope for that A.L.L...and the best form of A.L.L... Is there a best sub-category? Usually I am Little Miss Research, but I have not Googled ONCE. I have not read ANY of the information and facts. I am holding out for God (with the assistance of that angel) to perform a miracle.
As I typed this, Gideon woke up and said, "Mommy, there are scary fishies in me. They hurt." I guess that answers the shark scenario above. Woah. Thanks, God. I was typing with anger and then that little wake-me-up. Yes, angel. You have my full permission to FIGHT THOSE SHARKS!
(This all may seem so made-up, but I promise each and every single one of you that this is the truth...on all that I hold dear and love. I just witnessed heaven on earth on this hospital bed and I will savor this moment forever.)