sighing.

How am I so exhausted from simply sitting with Gideon alllllll day long? It makes no sense at all. I don't think I have been this tired and ready to fall over than right at this very second. My emotional stability is also dangling precariously by a a finely sliced sliver of particle board, and the emotions are heavy. Super heavy. I don't think the sliver has a chance, so that is why I am going to bed to avoid the collapse. Right after I post this blog.

I want to THANK all of my amazing friends who have emailed or left messages today. I felt your prayers and your love. I don't think I would be blogging at all right now, but I know how beautifully concerned you were for all of us. I am so blessed to have true friends like you...ones who would never dream of leaving my side no matter how scary or unknown the road ahead may seem. Gosh, I love you. Even you, LOONEY TOONS CATE (P.S. It took me about 10 minutes to finally understand that text...mush brains, what?) Also, I have to give a virtual squeeze to JULIE JENKINS, whose son Andy went through and beat this same cancer. You have been aloe to this sunburnt chemo heart, Julie. Again...THANK YOU.

Gideon did great today. His spirit and sense of happiness in the midst of all of this cannot be contributed to anyone but God. He is working through this boy, there is no doubt. HIs light is still spotlighting out of Gideon's eyes in a steady stream of love. He was a trooper as he was pumped full of chemo he hasn't had before. We won't really know how he responds to all of this until tomorrow and the next few days. We do know for a fact that his counts will drop and that he will most definitely need blood transfusions during the next few weeks. He will also be on a consistent regimen of anti-nausea medications due to all of the chemo. All of the every-single-day chemo. Sorry. I can't get used to this. I catch myself getting bitter in a paragraph that started with thankfulness to God. So many emotions. I never wanted to ride this rollercoaster. Hold on, sliver! Almost done.

We will be returning to the clinic tomorrow for his leg shot of ARA-C. This will be administered every day this week. I found out today that I will be trained to give him these shots. I will be the one to give them at our house on Thanksgiving Day and Friday, since the clinic will be closed. While I put on a brave face for this, I will tell you the truth: I can't tell the truth about how this makes me feel right now. The sliver is breaking right at this moment. I really need that bed, I think.

Goodnight, friends. Thank you for your prayers... I will be doing the same with every exhale tonight.