The shakes

I know we've been through this before, but I just cannot get used to it. I blogged at the beginning how Gideon's hand was shaking so much while he was eating that he couldn't get the fork in his mouth. The shakes are back. He has been even more in need of mommy holding him. He has said to me over and over, "Mommy, please help me to stop shaking. It scares me." All I can do is squeeze him tighter. I will happily wear him as an extra appendage. I thought with this being the pinnacle of the steroids, he would be tearing through the house. Nope. He is the opposite of what I expected. He feels awful, and it is evident. Once in awhile a surreptitious smile gets in there, but mostly he is weight-heavy and in my arms. I offer to play games with him, toys with him, anything. He just says, "I just want to lay, mama." He asks to take naps. He asks to go to bed at seven. I realize that he is up at all hours eating his meals, but still... I don't like this.

I was told it's the drugs and possibly symptoms of withdraw. Another difficult thing to swallow: withdraw and three years old. He dry heaves a lot. He actually did it at the clinic this morning... He is napping now and I am praying that he will wake up refreshed and ready for a destructive game of SMASH CARS or something. He does that -- swings from happy and energetic to rock-bottom-tired and lethargic. The pendulum should just stay in the middle, as it should in most areas of life. I won't get into the philosophical, though. Not when I'm tired.

Let's go to the POSITIVE, though: His numbers are still looking great! He is going through this beginning of this intensive stage very well, considering all that could be happening. It is so easy to get in a tizzy and feel so sorry for our situation, but we have been blessed so far, no doubt! I am by no means perfect, but I refuse to let anything make me feel like we are fighting a losing battle. This link was brought to my attention, and it can be read in so many ways. It seems depressing that Childhood Cancer is the number disease-causing death, but then again: it's not the number one cause of death. It also can get disheartening to think that Gideon has a 75% chance of some sad side effect later in life, but then again, he has a 25% chance of NOT having any side effects. And let's be honest: WHAT does a side effect matter if the treatment SAVES HIS LIFE? Also, there is a great chance that by then there will be a remedy to the side effect, right? Of that entire study, I will focus on this part: "Today, the overall 5 year survival rate for childhood cancer is close to 80%. Because treatment cure rates have increased, the population of childhood cancer survivors has also increased. Currently there are estimated to be 270,000 survivors of childhood cancer in the U.S. This equates to one in 640 young adults between the ages of 20 to 39 being a survivor of a childhood malignancy." Gideon will join the ranks of survivors! I know it. Things will get easier!

With that...here is another of Gideon's favorite lullabies, lately: