Please don't hide the kitchen knives just yet. I'm okay. I did have a complete breakdown after my blog last night, it's true. And, I couldn't really proofread due to the tissues in my face. But I just finished some Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, and my eldest just made me the proudest mama on the planet. He completed a full headspin. A legitimate B-Boy headspin. He wasn't able to replicate just yet, but when he does -- it will be on film. So, between the ice cream and the moves, things are looking up. Little pieces of happy make one gigantic quilt of warmth in the end.
Gideon has been complaining about his stomach hurting, but........I am so afraid to type these words.........he hasn't puked yet. I just cowered after I typed that period, waiting to hear the hurls from upstairs. I will still sleep with a bucket, but I'm hoping things will be puke-free for awhile. THAT would be something else to cheer over.
So, that's the happy news about Gideon. He is definitely not himself completely, but he is a cuddler and a lover as always. He has had it with chemo, though. As in OVER IT completely. We had quite the battle today for the first time. I explained that we had to go to the clinic for a shot of chemo in his leg, and that it wouldn't be as bad as the PEG. He did not care. He glared at me and said, "I am NOT going." I explained that he needed the chemo to fight the sharks still, that the battle isn't over even though he's tired of it all. He said, "I AM DONE WITH CHEMO! I AM DONE WITH IT!" I explained that if we stopped, the Leukemia would win. He replied, "I like my Leukemia. The chemo hurts more." I said that we have to go through this so that he could grow up and be healthy someday. He is three, though. Someday seems so obsolete. I oozed on the cream and tried to cover it up. He tried to wipe it off and was more squirmy than ever - twisting and yanking and yelping. Yes, it was an all-out struggle. It lasted far too long. Finally, I promised him a new monster truck. He can't figure out "someday," but he could wrap his mind around a new monster truck. I know, I know...Not the best parenting. This is just not the best situation, though. I have no idea what he is going to do when he realizes we have to go back for another shot tomorrow. And the next day. Ugh. Pray for us all on that one, please.
I was talking to another mom going through this, and I shared how weird it is to feel fine and then all-of-a-sudden something just pries out the heart and sticks it in your mouth and the jaw just can't help but to chew. I have never experienced this until this stage of my life. Gideon was sleeping and I was laying next to him, reading and listening to music. Sarah McLachlan's "Freedom Session" version of "Hold on" came on over the headphones. I have heard this song hundreds, thousands of times over the years. SO many times I have belted along and gotten into it, all the while pretending I am the backup singer. But now, these words echoed so loudly that it jostled my heart loose, and yup! It was vacuumed up into my mouth:
"Am I in heaven here or am I...
At the crossroads I am standing.
So now you’re sleeping, peaceful.
I lay awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll
See another day and we will praise it!
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face."
Ummmmmmm... New meaning now. I wonder how many new meanings will bust out in front of me.
When this sadness grips me, I have a newfound healing process that actually works. I pray, then I dance like a fool to Prince's "Let's Go Crazy", and finally I watch a movie I made of our last get-away together. I made the movie for family to see (I shared it online with them), but I'm realizing that it is healing for ME, too. Gideon's numbers rocketed up in early October (or maybe that was mid-October) and we were told it would be our last opportunity to travel for awhile. We never took any vacations since this cancer began. So, since Tom had to work, I took the boys up north for a few nights. They were very careful nights with the quickest route to the hospital pinned to the ceiling of the car. Watching that movie makes me remember that it was not so long ago that Gideon was acting like himself, even with the cancer. He will get there again. He will get there again AND be cancer-free! It brings me hope and comfort just watching those memories, those healing memories we made up there. Again, the song is one of Gideon-The-Yellow-Boy's lullabies. (It was made for itty-bitty phones, so it is grainy. Sorry.)