Wednesday, December 1, 2010


All day long I have heard my mom's voice in my head, "SeeeeeEEEEEEEE?" This was the one word she used instead of what she really meant by it: "See what happens when __________?"

"Mandy! Stop jumping on the bed! I don't care if you are wearing your Wonder Woman Underoos; they will not stop your fall."

BANG! BOOM! OUCH! (That was more retro Batman than Wonder Woman, wasn't it? But I'm just recounting the sequence of events.)

And three stitches later...

"SeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEE?" mom said this in a low and grovel-like pitch at first, and then as the word gained momentum, it would slide up three octaves. The more severe the situation, the louder and more pronounced the "SEE?!"

I completely made fun of my germophobic family members in my last post. In fact, I asked them to stop reading all together due to my mall trip. That was not nice. I am now among your ranks within this strange and uncharted world of Germophobia. Who would have thought the girl who encouraged playing in dirt and rolling around in McDonalds Playland would turn into what I am today? Life. You're one crazy boardgame, I'll tell you what. SeeeeEEEEEE?

I had a scratchy throat this morning, and this came after feeling like the life was completely drained out of me once I got home from the hospital last night. I panicked. Gideon's immunity is lower than it has ever been, and I was afraid of what this throat might mean. And, believe me: I imagined it all. So, I shipped the boys off to grandma's, went and got a strep throat test (it's negative), bleached every bathroom and disinfected every doorknob. I even opened windows and let the fresh snowy air blow for a few minutes. I am now wearing a mask as seen above, carrying hand sanitizer in my pocket, and washing my hands until they are raw. My doctor even prescribed me an antibiotic without even knowing if it will help. And, the craziest part is that I'm actually taking it. I have always been an anti-medication girl. Now, cancer turns the world upside down and I'll swallow any pill if it lowers the risk of harming one of my babies.

A cold is just a cold to me, but it is so much worse for Gideon. I am already terrified that I passed on the germs to him. I have been getting teary all day remembering our time together at the hospital yesterday. He was connected to my shoulder or lap the entire time we were there. If I was coming down with this then... ugh. I have major mommy guilt right now. Please, please, please don't let him get it! Not when his body is so incapable of fighting it.

Gideon and I were at the clinic from 9:30 to 4:30 yesterday. Once again I watched as platelets from a stranger ran down the tubes and pumped into my baby's veins. No matter how many blood transfusions I witness Gideon getting, I will never get used to it. This immense heart-in-throat gratitude towards an absolute stranger who is saving my boy makes me feel like I probably could fly...with or without the Underoos. Whoever you are, donor extraordinaire, I love you. I hope you can feel my love coursing through the atmosphere straight into your heart with every millimeter of your life-sustaining gift that drips into Gideon. Blessings to you, B Positive!

Then came a bag of red blood from another nameless (but saintly) stranger. Gideon fell asleep on me as I chatted with other moms waiting on their children getting treatment. I need to say this: It is rare for Gideon to nap in public. It is even more unusual for him to nap when there are people around (his personal audience). It is that nap that makes me worried to the point of feeling the need to pace nervous circles around my house. His precious little face rested on my shoulder for so long. And when I talk with enthusiasm, as my students can attest, I spit. Not alllll the time, but sometimes. Oh. What if a droplet of spit landed on his lips and he licked them? I feel panicky and worried.

The boys returned from grandma's today and Gideon's cheeks are still rosy from his recent blood rejuvenation. He is not sneezing, acting cranky, not anything...yet. Please pray it stays that way. In the meantime, I will be in a mask and practically in a Hazmat suit until this bugger bugs off.

I have also been drinking gallons of "Get Happy" tea (BEST stuff EVER! Colleagues, this is the tea I almost forced every teacher to drink last year... Maybe it's placebo, but it makes me happy!) from World Market out of my Great Grandma's teacup. For some reason, that cup is more healing than any other. I have also been listening to a song my colleagues are also familiar with since I played it CONSTANTLY right before school started last year. It makes me calm. It makes me feel like everything will end up okay. So, I will post it. "One day" this cancer will be a thing of the past. "One day" I will not have to wear a face mask when my throat is sore. "One day" both my boys will be grown ups and will take care of me, instead. One day....but I will still try and enjoy today without worrying about what might be. There are too many maybes and I am most definitely not in control. I've done what I can, and the rest is in God's hands.

Peace and love to you all...especially those of you catching snowflakes on your tongue or stringing up your festive lights. It is absolutely gorgeous out there!


  1. Get better!! Vitamin C - soup - rest, and demand some help!! Lots of love and prayers to you!

  2. Yep, you got it right!

    Soup, rest, prayers, faith and hope! All there. One day this would be over.

  3. Okay, trying to comment again...

    Hi, Amanda,

    I've been following your blog since Gideon's diagnosis, and think of you and your family often.

    I was at a school board meeting last week, talking with the parent of a student I had had, but not just any student, a student who was diagnosed with A.L.L. when he was in 5th grade. She was talking about how when he was sick, there were certain classes he just didn't want to miss (I found this kind of funny; he was such a phenomenal student, I assumed he loved all his classes;)).

    I share this with you because she spoke about it as if this was just a part of their life that just was. Christoph is now a freshman in high school, and he is no longer sick. I know you and your family will someday be in this same place.

    Peace & Love,
    Melissa (Silagy) Morse

  4. Nin Jiom Pei Pa Koa ( may be another choice. i know alot of people use it, its also non alcoholic, though it's effectiveness is not as good as alcohol based cough medicine, but it's still good to use on not so serious scratchy throat.