I know most of what I'm about to say is irrational and illogical and not based on truth. My brain is fully aware of all of this. Still, these thoughts creep into my head now and then like little Ninja-daggers. Out of the blue one of these notions attack, and they always leave me breathless and my heart bleeding, to be honest. I think I'm mostly posting these thoughts not to get a whole slew of Oh-Amanda!-You-KNOW-that-is-not-true comments, but to just be open about all of the emotions and thoughts that swirl in this crazy noggin. I won't share all of the thoughts. I don't want to be committed somewhere just yet.
Gideon scared me tonight. More like terrified me. He said, "My heart will stop and I will live in heaven." PANIC! ALARM! Dropped the dish towel. Yes, this comment is true. Someday, yes. I made sure to cut in with a "When you are an old man, yes!" This made me feel better, but then that boy responded, "NO! Not an old man. I won't be an old man!" I found myself arguing with my three-year-old with more gusto and emotion than I ever have before. It was hard to tell who the three year old truly was. "YES. YOU. WILL!" I said firmly and with a set mouth over and over again. Does it make sense to argue about this with a tiny one? No. He kind of gave up the argument by saying, "I will live in a sandcastle in heaven." I did not like this talk at all (although the sandcastle image is a pretty one, and had I not been so upset I would have asked more questions about that sandcastle). I should have embraced the conversation, but I still didn't want to. I didn't want to face any of those ideas. I did not want to entertain the thought. Not at all. Instead of looking into this majestic sandcastle, I chose to bury my head in the sand.
When I tucked Gideon in, I will admit to something embarrassing. This was pretty selfish of me, and it was totally and completely to ease my unease. I said, "Gideon, you will go to heaven someday. But please promise me you will try to stay on earth as long as you can."
He answered with a solemn, "I promise."
Then, here's the irrational selfish part, I said, "Promise me you will get old and let mommy go to heaven before you do."
He again answered, "I promise."
Okay. I know. We are humans. We are not in control of when we stay and when we go. Not at all. The ultimate chemo treatment and remission is NOT in human hands. It never has been and never will be up to any of us. I realize the gift that is Gideon is on loan. He is not completely mine. Still, I needed to hear him say, "I promise." Low and pathetic? Probably.
I found myself on my knees and begging God no matter my past faults, my prior mistakes, no matter what, please do this earth good by keeping Gideon here as long as humanly possible. It is my true feeling that he is meant for such huge things. I have this inkling, this mommy feeling that he is going to do something extraordinary in this life. PLEASE let him accomplish those things well into the stage of practical decay. When his face is so wrinkled with the story of a long life that it starts to crumble when he smiles, he is allowed to go to heaven.
This was not my only irrational moment. The prayer was not irrational...making Gideon promise was absurd. I have found myself wondering things like, I was pregnant with Gideon in China. Was it the air I breathed while his cells were developing that made him predisposed for Leukemia? Or, I think about how I was diagnosed with Pemphigoid Gestationis while I was pregnant and had to get weekly ultrasounds... Was that too much for his developing body? And even MORE irrational is the thought that this disease came to be because of my own transgressions in life. My own unwise decisions ala Old Testament. Again, I know these thoughts are unwarranted. I just feel like once I see them in print and out there to the world to view, I will disown them and expose them for the awful lies that they are in reality. Still. They are painful. I'm tired of them having any power over me.
You know what? I think I just discovered that I have these irrational thoughts because the whole reality that Gideon has CANCER seems irrational to me. Kids getting cancer? Innocent little babies with nothing but purity and sweetness oozing out of their pores and radiating from their eyes? Really? It makes no sense. It is no wonder illogical ideas are born from such a bizarre and cockamamy situation.
Then again, Gideon is making me a better person. His spirit and trust in God goes beyond what I have ever witnessed. He is living his "childlike faith" in a way that can only inspire me to do the same. He is already battling and waging war on all that is wrong with the world: strife thrown upon the innocent, but he shines through it. Every single day is a blessing.
Why I was entrusted with the two most unique and gorgeous souls to have ever graced this planet is beyond me. I know, spoken like a mom who loves her babies, but I honestly wonder why I was given such incredible people to raise. I truly don't deserve them, but here they are! That irrational part of life is one that I embrace wholeheartedly.