Naive, Pollyanna, blindly optimistic... People will call you those things, Gideon. They will look at your sparkling view of the world around you and peg you as simplistic because you don't let the darkness of life taint or discolor the rainbow reality you choose to live. The truth as experienced through your mommy: They are sadly mistaken. The negative veil that they have pulled over their eyes is nothing but a distraction from what you know matters. They are the ones missing the truth while they smirk at positivity.
I have learned so much from you, my son. Of all of the people I have ever encountered, you brushed with the scariest and darkest of places that even the pessimists fear: death. As the scariest place of our human existence came closer and closer to you, you saw an angel of light instead of black bleakness of the end; thus, you know that the end isn't black, it's light. That light can be felt, lived, experienced here and now. We can bask in it and celebrate it as gifts from heaven. And in that way, heaven can be felt right here and now.
So, here I am: a mommy who learned from her baby what it all should mean. You are not lacking in wisdom, Gideon. You have surpassed wisdom and cradle it in your heart on a daily basis. How you view the world is how you respond to life. You have chosen the light, so you respond to birds, colorful clouds and even band aids with a heavenly awe. You have surpassed wisdom because you know it can not all be known, and learning sheds more light, not less.
While this awe causes you to smile, your eyes light up with questions as you delve deeper into the sound a black-capped chickadee makes compared to the cardinal. You want to know why some turtle shells are soft and others hard. And you ask the difficult questions, too. WHY is there hate? WHY do people think it's okay to be mean? You live in the light while questioning the dark. And as you see and experience moments of darkness, you reach deep inside to find a glimmer of light, no matter how small.
"He must be so sad, mommy," is what you said about a boy in a story we were reading. He was a bully who wanted to demean others to feel more important. As we read, you stopped me. "He is so sad inside and so he wants everyone else to feel just as sad so that he isn't lonely on top of sad." Then I had to stop reading just to look at you with the same awe in which you see God's creations in nature.
How did you get so wise?
I now know. You are beating death and spreading more and more light because of it. When I want to respond to injustice or negativity or angry people with my own dose of angry retorts, I remember not to feed the sadness or bitterness of others, but to respond with light. You are teaching me that, and I still have a long way to go.
In so many ways, Brody and I are kindred spirits with you, Gideon. We both feel the pull of your excitement and revel in the amazement you experience. We all close our eyes when you do as we listen to "beautiful" music together. Hoppipolla is a song we found together during the darkest part of your battle, and we all felt calmness and peace because of it as we whirled around the kitchen together to the beat. Once I found out the meaning of the words, it pulled us all in even more.
Sigur Ros became a part of our battle soundtrack. I was surprised by Alex when he took me to see Sigur Ros in concert this week. You were with your daddy, brother and step-mommy-to-be on Spring Break vacation. I have never felt so emotionally stirred during a live performance in my entire life. As Sigur Ros sang and played his guitar with a violin bow, pictures of innocence and wonder and lights whirled around the stage. And tears kept on falling, sometimes without me even noticing. One song depicted a little boy swimming underwater with fish. He was smiling while swimming, while sharing life with cold blooded creatures so unlike him, but with him at the same time. I was surrounded by the wonder of it all, and I realized that when I do get to heaven, I will request my angels sound like Sigur Ros. Also, I realized no matter how far apart we may be, the light is with us at the same time. The Holy Spirit is good at that -- being everywhere all at once.
I pray you always feel the Life in that Light, Gideon. It is the only way to truly live in the moment, and the moments added together make for a life movie that centers around the goodness and beauty of it all. Even though we are conscious of the dark, we won't let it shade the brilliance that is this life God has blessed us with.
Live out those blessings, little boy. There is nothing uneducated, lacking of knowledge, or idiotic about embracing the wonders around us with a smile and optimism. Shine on, Gideon! It's all about LOVE. All of it.