This
morning we were propelling through the thickest fog I have ever seen
as we drove to school. My heart cemented into the road beneath me
when I noticed what caused a traffic jam on Oakland: a deer and a dog
were both hit by a car. Worse, the owners of the dog stood on the
side of the road bawling and straining to hold their second dog away
from the road as it writhed and jumped and pushed to rush to his
brother-dog's side. I pointed out the fog against the window that
formed little droplets so that Brody and Gideon didn't witness this
heartbreaking atrocity. As I sat there wishing there was something I
could do and feeling the foggy sadness blanket my heart, little
Gideon piped up from the backseat, “Wow!
Wow! Wow! Do you feel like an angel, mommy? Because you are driving
through clouds! It's soooo beautiful and like magic that heaven came
down from the sky!!" And somehow, the fog was lifted since once
again, one of my boys said something that jarred my heart out of
sadness and into the miracle that is living.
To
hear Gideon being so optimistic is a miracle in and of itself. He
has been getting so fed up with all of his pain, laying down, crying,
all of it. I had to leave school on a few occasions because Gideon
was in so much anguish, silent tears streamed continuously from his
eyes. He was in so much pain, that while I waited for my substitute
to arrive, Gideon slept through 27 students banging on drums. All
the while, tears and moans escaped his little mouth. He said in the
car, “The only thing that doesn't hurt is my mouth.” I was given
permission to increase his dosage to control the pain, and that
definitely helped. I wanted to make sure nothing else was at the
root of this pain. If it was the chemo, okay. We will ride it out
until the end. But what if he had an internal infection (not so rare
with kids who have cancer and their immunity is suppressed)? Answers
would be on the way via SNOW DAY WEEK.
Yes,
last week was a Snow Day festival, I think. I felt beyond blessed
and lucky that we had the snow days when we did since they were the
days we spent at the Pediatric Gastroenterologist office. Gideon
didn't miss school. I didn't miss school. Brody felt like he was a
part of the healing by being there (all while not missing a day of
learning)! Grateful and relieved, Gideon was slated to go into
outpatient surgery as the doctors scoped and biopsied. Their results
showed organs that are picture perfect! This means we ride out the
pain with pain relievers until the end of chemo this August. You are
almost there, sweet buddy! I decided if Gideon is having another
rough day at school due to pain, I am pulling Kristen Snow out of her
classroom so that we can duet him into smiles. We have one fabulous
rendition of Wilson Phillips' “Hold On” song... It's going to
happen, and it'll end for all that hear and see our theatrical
rendition with laughter. Laughter has proven to be the best pain
killer around since this whole cancer thing started.
Gideon with Brody and his nurses. :)
So,
now I am feeling that otherworldly peace cushion every curve of my
heart. These quiet moments while the boys are sleeping and snow is
falling makes me feel like I am inhaling oxygen-love-particles. As
soon as I draw in a breath, they ricochet into bursts of warmth.
It's all going to be okay.
With
that, I want to share a video my principal shared with the staff. It
is dedicated to Gabbi, a little girl who is also fighting cancer.
It'll make you smile. It'll make you feel those bursts of warmth,
and it'll make you want to spread that warmth everywhere. Let's
dance.
