tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86864896798148867522024-03-12T19:15:18.698-04:00Gideon:"The Lord is with you, mighty warrior."Follow Gideon Schripsema's journey as he battles leukemia. NO MORE SHARKS!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger202125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-87079018952363128092013-09-25T22:37:00.000-04:002013-09-25T23:03:36.014-04:00Balloon heart.This entire blog has been my honest and raw emotions, so I won't stop now. Truthfully, I have logged onto this blog countless times since August. Countless. And each time I got to this winter white blog entry screen, I just stared at the blinking cursor. Each blink of the cursor flashed a different emotion or a new memory or praise just begging to be recorded. Gideon's sparkling eyes as he looked at me and said, "I don't have to take chemo tonight, do I? My cancer is GONE," and then the memory-moment tinged with the smell of BBQ and saturated by so many people's love around us as Gideon let go of his green lantern at his NO MO' CHEMO party as he said, "I wish all cancer kids could beat their sharks" as it floated away; or the time big brother Brody said to Gideon in the backseat, "I was there next to you every time you woke up from your sleepy chemo, Gideon. I was always happy when you opened your eyes." How can I type with these images of gorgeousness burning holes through my soul and making my fingers useless and inadequate? Feelings, thoughts, and emotions I wish I could cram into letters and words for you all to just take a hold of and know what it is I am feeling right now, have just seemed impossible to track down.<br />
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So, I will update you, but it will be impossible for me to fly you to the top of my balloon heart that is floating inside of a rainbow while nonstop fireworks erupt all around it. (Ugh. Still not even close to describing it.) <br />
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Gideon has been deemed CANCER-FREE. He has been off of chemo for a month now, and I still have this itch at night to paw through his medicine kit and collect all of the pills. It is so strange to kiss him at night and not count pills before that, strange in a FABULOUSLY strange way. All he is taking now is Bactrim for his immunity now. Our course of action is to now get blood checks every month to make sure those cancer-sharks stay away for good. <br />
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Today, Gideon had to go to the doctor to find out about a rash that won't go away. It was with a REGULAR doctor at a REGULAR clinic, and I think I scared the doctor out of the door as she walked in and I exclaimed, "It is SO good to meet you! Hi! I'm Amanda," with a huge out-of-place smile on my face. She was probably thinking, <i>Lady, your kid has had an itchy rash on his body for three weeks. What is your problem? Why the goofy grin? </i> If she had only known what I really wanted do: hug her and plead for some kind of badge pinned on my shirt that said, "My kid went to the doctor because of allergies manifesting themselves on his skin. I did NOT go to the doctor because my kid has cancer, because he DOESN'T!" That would be a big pin to fit all of that. I would wear it, though, and I would allow every stranger I pass to squint and read it. Oh. A doctor's appointment in a germy office full of crying kids, and I was in a new kind of heaven on earth.<br />
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Now we keep fighting for all of Gideon's friends so that they can also experience this joy of being cancer-free. This month of CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS has been overflowing with events and planning. The kickball game I ran for the last two years is on again THIS year. There have been so many amazing things planned, and this year it is being run by a fabulous group of high schoolers, my Dream Team. I am excited to watch them pull it all off. All of the proceeds this year will go to Cancer Families United, a local non-profit that services families in our area who are plagued with childhood cancer, all while advocating and fundraising research for a CURE. I am on the board of this non-profit as the Vice President, and I am already seeing its influence spread throughout the community. Wouldn't it be amazing if GOLD ribbons were as recognizable as pink? <br />
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So that I do not blab any further, I will leave you with these things YOU can do this month for childhood cancer awareness. I hope to see you at Noodles and Company on October 2 and at the BIG kickball event (with a FREE Magic Show at 4:30) at Mattawan Schools on October 5. If you would like to tune in, I will be on 106.5 tomorrow morning at 7:30, and I will be on WWMT channel 3 news on Monday, September 30 at 6:30 promoting our upcoming events. <br />
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I believe in miracles. I have seen them firsthand. I know that God has been with us and making Himself blatantly known to us several times throughout this journey. I feel that He gives us all missions in life, and mine is and always will be to fight childhood cancer and help families who have been thrust into this cancer-world. We have hands, minds, and pockets. I pray we choose to use all three in a way that benefits the world. Because others felt this was their mission as well, they funded the research NEEDED to save Gideon's life. He was saved through others generosity. Every little bit helps. <br />
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(Still to come: Gideon's No Mo' Chemo slideshow...)<br />
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More No Mo' Chemo pics to come, but for now, one more video about Cancer Families United:<br />
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<a href="http://vimeo.com/71365460">Click here for Cancer Families United video</a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-39946473381739037982013-07-24T00:35:00.001-04:002013-07-24T09:18:24.789-04:00HUGE day. HUGE.<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/lOtM6XhrTXQ" width="459"></iframe><br />
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Today I was transported back to the
beginning of this journey. It was the day I went to Old Navy, only
days into Gideon's diagnosis, and I couldn't help but to feel in awe
of the regularity of the world around me as my own personal world
felt as though shrapnel and shards were all that was left. People
stopped at stop lights. People bought clothes. People even went
through the drive-thru on their lunch hour. This time the tears that
surfaced were the ones of awe as I realized what time and healing
could butterfly out of the most disgusting of worms. I was at Barnes
& Noble, searching for the best read of my life and I had to run
to the restroom to sob. It instantaneously erupted inside of me
somewhere in the M section of Literature & Fiction. Just a few
stores down housed the Old Navy that felt like an abyss of emptiness
and hollow wishes three and a half years ago. I honestly had no idea
if Gideon would live or die, and my soul was on that same
teeter-totter of fragility. Now, this Tuesday, July 23, Gideon
received his very LAST hospital IV chemo dosage, and the beauty of
that reality crashed down on me as book titles blurred into spirals
of unfocused, soft, and silent fireworks through my tears.</div>
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LAST. And this last was jubilant.
Brody and I stared as we witnessed the very last of the poisonous
life-saver being pumped into Gideon's veins. Beautifully, his bag of
chemo hung next to the clinic fish, all colorful and festive, as if
he knew all along those fish-brothers of his would beat the sharks
and he was just biding his time in the corner, waiting to be our
banner of triumph at the end.
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Gideon still has a month of oral chemo,
ONE MONTH, but this week also marks the LAST WEEK OF STERIODS! He
always responds so much better during this week of pain, discomfort,
and emotional upheaval when he is in Grand Marais. Even though the
boys and I just came back two days ago, we are turning around and
heading north once again (this time with Alex, his family, Ann, and
her girls) to soak in the healing air that resides north of the
bridge: our paradise.
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After chemo, I asked Gideon how he
wanted to celebrate this last dosage of IV chemo. He responded, “I
want to go see TURBO with you, Brody and Alex, and then I want us to
go to Grand Marais.” So, we did see the movie, and we are going to
our mecca of all that is gorgeous on this planet. Please pray for
Gideon so that this trip truly is a healing one of peace and not one
riddled with pain of any kind. It would be a gift from God if we can
coast to the end of his chemo, August 18!
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-89065849594457093002013-05-13T00:08:00.000-04:002013-05-13T06:44:11.179-04:00Mother's Day Wish<br />
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Happy Mother's Day (one day late)!
This is always the day when it hits me the hardest, this being a mom
thing. Not only do I sometimes wonder how my babies are so big, how
I am not twenty anymore, and how come there is always just one
chip/cracker/piece of cereal in the box, but I also wonder at the awe
that is this fragile miracle of motherhood. It doesn't feel fragile
sometimes. Sometimes the battle of will between parent and child can
feel immovable and solid. These kids are so very vivacious and full
of youth – what can be stronger?
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But it is fragile. We don't know what
a doctor will announce tomorrow at an exam. We don't know anything
but right now. And my right now with Brody and Gideon on Mother's
Day has been outstanding. There was a lot of cuddling, walking in the
sunshine of St. Joe and pointing out flowering trees. I feel
brighter with my babies, and I don't want to think what this day
would be like if the right medication was not there to save Gideon's life -- the medication CureSearch brought into his precious life.</div>
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So, I almost missed the boat in asking
for your help this year. It has been busier than the last three
combined, I think. But, please consider walking with us this coming
Saturday at the Portage Celery Flats for CureSearch for Children's Cancer. Just click <a href="http://www.curesearchwalk.org/faf/search/searchTeamPart.asp?ievent=1039853&lis=1&kntae1039853=FAB1520C723E4D69B769AC1FB82092EC&team=5452757&tlteam=0" target="_blank">here</a> and register.
In honor of every mom I know who heard that her baby has cancer, in
honor of every fighter in our area, please join us. You will feel your heart swell
with thankfulness and wonder at each child survivor who will be there
on that day. If there is no way you can attend, please consider donating whatever you can -- even a few dollars. </div>
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Again, I apologize for waiting so long
to get the invite out to all of you. Don't worry about fundraising,
just sign up and come! <br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-49926149371201499222013-04-20T22:22:00.000-04:002013-04-20T22:22:07.457-04:00Butterflies and Gerber Daisies
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<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">I am
doing that kind of breathing when I hope that each little breath
scoops up a particle of my broken heart and puts it back where it
belongs. Tonight was incredibly hard. While Gideon was taking his
chemo, we were excitably talking about how his sharks are being
harpooned and how the good fish are strong inside of him (kind of
like THE FORCE, and then we went off on a five minute tangent. We
are both good at those side street conversations). Out of nowhere,
Gideon asked, “Mommy, how is that girl from the clinic?” I began
naming different girls being treated and describing them. He kept
shaking his head and saying no. I could tell he was losing his
patience with me as I diligently went through my mental list. He
added this detail, “We sang together in the hallway and played
instruments together. She loves butterflies. Remember?”</span></div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">I
did remember. When I named her, he nodded his head emphatically and
said, “YEAH! How is she?” </span>
</div>
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<br />
</div>
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<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">Here
is when I was at a moment's loss. I promised myself and Gideon that
I would never lie to him about his cancer, about the treatments, not
any part of this process. I want him to feel like he could always
trust me. He knows that when I say it won't hurt, it won't. He
knows to get brave when I tell him something will hurt. There is a
strong trust there. But, the selfishness in me did not want to tell
him the truth. I didn't want him to know. I wanted to guard his
innocence. How could I protect him from this heartbreaking truth?
What if her name was mentioned at the CureSearch Walk and he hears
the news that way instead of from me?</span></div>
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<br />
</div>
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<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">So,
I told him, “She is in heaven now, Gideon. She's in her real
home.” Then as I saw Gideon's little lip jut out, and heard him
try to talk but no words would come out, my breaking heart screamed
out to God to keep my tears away, to keep me strong. As I leaned
closer to his lips, barely a whisper was escaping. He kept
repeating, “That's not fair. That's not fair. That's not fair.”
And tears streamed at a steady rate down those empathetic cheeks of
his. I agreed it wasn't fair and I scooped him up.</span></div>
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<br />
</div>
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“<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">Why,
mommy?” he barely choked out. I told him that we are all on this
temporary home for a little while. Once we have done what we were
sent here to do, we go home. I told him that this precious girl got
her job done very early and no one understands why or how, but we
have to keep living and loving and remembering. </span>
</div>
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<br />
</div>
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<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">He
then said, and this part makes me shake my head in wonderment and immense sadness, “It's
also not fair because I have cancer but I am still on this earth, but
she isn't. Why do some sharks beat the good fishies? She should
still be on this earth with me.” It was as if he felt guilty that he is beating his cancer! I told him that we all would
rather have her on this earth, too, but we have to let her memory
cause more love and light than anger. I added that I knew for a fact that she wants Gideon to win against the sharks, too.</span></div>
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<br />
</div>
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<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">Gideon
said, “Mommy, can we hatch butterflies this year for her (I am
omitting her name because I am not sure her parents would be okay
with it)? Can you find out what her favorite name was and we'll name
the prettiest butterfly for her and watch it fly away to heaven?”
I nodded.</span></div>
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">He
then said that she loved pink and that he thinks her favorite flower
was the Gerber Daisy. I am not sure where he came up with that
tidbit, maybe the flower reminds him of her, I don't know. He said
he would plant those flowers just for her, and when they are tall
enough and pretty enough, he'd cut them and would like to give them
to her mommy. I told him we could do that...</span></div>
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<br />
</div>
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<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">I
then laid down next to him, and he moved my hand so that it covered
his heart. He said, “Could you just leave your hand right here,
mommy? It hurts right there.” And that's when I let a few
undetected tears fall. Whenever Gideon has a sore leg from
treatment, he wants me to keep my hand on it because it makes it feel
better. Somehow that physical pain is easier to deal with than this
broken heart feeling he was experiencing.</span></div>
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<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">Last
week, in the car and on the way to school, Gideon said two beautiful
things. I wrote down his words, and I think they make sense for me
to add here as a post script.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">Gideon:
“Mommy, what color was invented first?”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">Me:
“I'm not sure, Gids. What do you think?”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">Gideon:
“I think it was either white or black.....Soooo, I think it was
white since that is the color of light, and God is Light, and He was
here first.”</span></div>
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<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">Next
conversation:<br />Gideon: “Sometimes when I look outside or I am
just thinking about nothing at all, I feel God.”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">Me:
“What does that feel like?”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">Gideon:
“It feels like God is rubbing my back very, very lightly and then
that feeling is everywhere. Then, it's like he tucks my heart in
with the softest blanket.”</span></div>
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<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">While
I was holding Gideon's heart, I reminded him of those two fresh
conversations, and an instant smile spread across his face. No
matter how unfair, how horrendous, how heartbreaking it is to lose a
child to cancer, Gideon knew he had to find the Light. He found it
in butterflies and gerber daisies. </span>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-35742342368436545982013-04-03T17:16:00.001-04:002013-04-03T17:16:41.981-04:00Keep your perspective, little one.<br />
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Naive, Pollyanna, blindly optimistic... People will call you those things, Gideon. They will look at your sparkling view of the world around you and peg you as simplistic because you don't let the darkness of life taint or discolor the rainbow reality you choose to live. The truth as experienced through your mommy: They are sadly mistaken. The negative veil that they have pulled over their eyes is nothing but a distraction from what you know matters. They are the ones missing the truth while they smirk at positivity.</div>
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<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
I have learned so much from you, my son. Of all of the people I have ever encountered, you brushed with the scariest and darkest of places that even the pessimists fear: death. As the scariest place of our human existence came closer and closer to you, you saw an angel of light instead of black bleakness of the end; thus, you know that the end isn't black, it's light. That light can be felt, lived, experienced here and now. We can bask in it and celebrate it as gifts from heaven. And in that way, heaven can be felt right here and now.</div>
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So, here I am: a mommy who learned from her baby what it all should mean. You are not lacking in wisdom, Gideon. You have surpassed wisdom and cradle it in your heart on a daily basis. How you view the world is how you respond to life. You have chosen the light, so you respond to birds, colorful clouds and even band aids with a heavenly awe. You have surpassed wisdom because you know it can not all be known, and learning sheds more light, not less.</div>
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While this awe causes you to smile, your eyes light up with questions as you delve deeper into the sound a black-capped chickadee makes compared to the cardinal. You want to know why some turtle shells are soft and others hard. And you ask the difficult questions, too. WHY is there hate? WHY do people think it's okay to be mean? You live in the light while questioning the dark. And as you see and experience moments of darkness, you reach deep inside to find a glimmer of light, no matter how small.</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; min-height: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
"He must be so sad, mommy," is what you said about a boy in a story we were reading. He was a bully who wanted to demean others to feel more important. As we read, you stopped me. "He is so sad inside and so he wants everyone else to feel just as sad so that he isn't lonely on top of sad." Then I had to stop reading just to look at you with the same awe in which you see God's creations in nature.</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; min-height: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
How did you get so wise?</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; min-height: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
I now know. You are beating death and spreading more and more light because of it. When I want to respond to injustice or negativity or angry people with my own dose of angry retorts, I remember not to feed the sadness or bitterness of others, but to respond with light. You are teaching me that, and I still have a long way to go.</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; min-height: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
In so many ways, Brody and I are kindred spirits with you, Gideon. We both feel the pull of your excitement and revel in the amazement you experience. We all close our eyes when you do as we listen to "beautiful" music together. Hoppipolla is a song we found together during the darkest part of your battle, and we all felt calmness and peace because of it as we whirled around the kitchen together to the beat. Once I found out the meaning of the words, it pulled us all in even more.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
Sigur Ros became a part of our battle soundtrack. I was surprised by Alex when he took me to see Sigur Ros in concert this week. You were with your daddy, brother and step-mommy-to-be on Spring Break vacation. I have never felt so emotionally stirred during a live performance in my entire life. As Sigur Ros sang and played his guitar with a violin bow, pictures of innocence and wonder and lights whirled around the stage. And tears kept on falling, sometimes without me even noticing. One song depicted a little boy swimming underwater with fish. He was smiling while swimming, while sharing life with cold blooded creatures so unlike him, but with him at the same time. I was surrounded by the wonder of it all, and I realized that when I do get to heaven, I will request my angels sound like Sigur Ros. Also, I realized no matter how far apart we may be, the light is with us at the same time. The Holy Spirit is good at that -- being everywhere all at once. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
I pray you always feel the Life in that Light, Gideon. It is the only way to truly live in the moment, and the moments added together make for a life movie that centers around the goodness and beauty of it all. Even though we are conscious of the dark, we won't let it shade the brilliance that is this life God has blessed us with.</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; min-height: 14px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
Live out those blessings, little boy. There is nothing uneducated, lacking of knowledge, or idiotic about embracing the wonders around us with a smile and optimism. Shine on, Gideon! It's all about LOVE. All of it. </div>
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<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-7095460616994823872013-03-30T00:42:00.001-04:002013-03-30T00:57:29.126-04:00Gideon's 6th birthday<br />
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
Gideon is now SIX. Six! He was diagnosed at the age of three, so now he has been battling cancer for half of his life. He doesn't remember what life was like without this stuff… Without the nightly pills, the pokes, and the sleepy medicine. He sees the clinic as a second home, and the staff there his extended family. He amazes me with the appreciation he has for the goodness around him. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">
Today we basked in the sunshine and took a nature walk with his bird book he got for his birthday. We spotted birds and listened to the music each one made. Some said, "Drink your tea! Drink your teeeeeeeea!" And others sang, "Cheer up! Cheer up! Cheer up, up, UP!" Just a week ago this boy was battling a fever that didn't want to subside. Finally, after IV antibiotics and oral antibiotics, it was kicked. I wonder all of the time if his immunity will ever go back to normal. If it does, what will that be like? All I know is that his thankfulness in what surrounds him (especially nature) makes me notice the colors around me. Life will never be black and white and ordinary... </div>
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Happy BIRTHDAY, my baby boy! I love you.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-26835534724294845002013-03-11T15:16:00.001-04:002013-03-11T15:16:46.278-04:00How Life Works
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<span style="font-family: Xpressive, sans-serif;">This
is how life works sometimes,” is what came out of Gideon's mouth as
he clutched his puke bucket in his lap today. He didn't say it with
remorse or with a whine. It was just matter-of-fact, and it
constricted my heart with thankfulness. The days he does not have to
leave school clutching a bucket in the car are celebrated. When he
is feeling awful, he sees it as a “sometimes” and awaits those
precious feel-good moments as though he is peering into the sky on
the 4<sup>th</sup> of July, knowing the fireworks are on the way. I
don't deserve to be in the same galaxy as this boy, let alone car.
But here I am. </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Xpressive, sans-serif;">Thanks,
God, for bringing this soul into my life who I am supposed to shape
and mold, but who shapes and molds me just as much.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Xpressive, sans-serif;">That's
where we are right now: coming off of chemo surge week, and he is
feeling the pain. But, he is now sleeping on the couch while his
favorite classical music fills the room. I gave him his new “Cuddle
Bug” stuffed animal from Alex, and he is smashing that love bug in
his arms, and I am actually typing this entry so that I am not
tempted to smash my cuddlebug in my arms. I don't want to wake him.
</span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Xpressive, sans-serif;">He
has pain, and a few weeks ago he was plagued by nose bleeds, but...
The end of treatment is in sight (AUGUST!)! Also, I am overly excited about what is to come
with the Cancer Families United (CFU) group. We recently had our
first board meeting, and I was voted in as Vice President. I
am excited and honored as we look forward to the opportunities of not only the help this organization
can provide childhood cancer research, but the support of
families in OUR area fighting this beast. Please <a href="https://www.facebook.com/CancerFamiliesUnited?fref=ts" target="_blank">LIKE our page on Facebook</a>! </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Xpressive, sans-serif;">We
recently had a CFU get-together with families battling cancer, and
what this group is doing to heal and help was already apparent. We
bowled, played dodge ball, played air hockey, and even climbed a rock
wall! Brody made friends with a little boy whose sister is battling
cancer. They were bowling on the same team, and this little friend
gave up his turn for his sister to try it, since she was not strong
enough to play a full game. Brody is familiar with bald children and
what it means, and as his new friend sat his turn out, Brody walked
over to him, put his arm around him and I heard him say, “I know
how it feels...having a sister with cancer. My brother has cancer,
too. Sometimes we have to give up our turns for them, but it's going
to be okay.” </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Xpressive, sans-serif;">Tears.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Xpressive, sans-serif;">Make
that two souls I was blessed with who, without fail, remove the film from my eyes
and the unimportant heaviness from my heart. Thank you, God.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Xpressive, sans-serif;">And
that is what CFU (now that we are officially a non-profit charity!)
is all about: helping families, entire families, inflicted by the
horrors this disease brings. Those horrors are monetary,
soul-rendering, physically painful for the child, emotionally
scarring for all, and life-changing in so many ways. I witnessed two
children who get it, felt understood, and felt supported in that
instant of empathy (as opposed to the sympathy in which they are
accustomed). This was Mary Kay Pederson's
brainchild, and I am a lucky girl to have her as both a friend and as
a lifetime momma-battler! I am also so blessed to share the table
with Jody Crump as the CFU secretary, and the Benneckes as co-founders. It is amazing to be friends
with other moms and dads who feel it is our life calling to not only see a
cure to childhood cancer, but to surround each family battling with
whatever they need to help in every little bit possible. </span>
</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-67345041714846440462013-01-30T22:21:00.000-05:002013-01-30T22:57:17.192-05:00Out of the Fog<span style="color: #38761d;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: Kabel Book BT, sans-serif;">This
morning we were propelling through the thickest fog I have ever seen
as we drove to school. My heart cemented into the road beneath me
when I noticed what caused a traffic jam on Oakland: a deer and a dog
were both hit by a car. Worse, the owners of the dog stood on the
side of the road bawling and straining to hold their second dog away
from the road as it writhed and jumped and pushed to rush to his
brother-dog's side. I pointed out the fog against the window that
formed little droplets so that Brody and Gideon didn't witness this
heartbreaking atrocity. As I sat there wishing there was something I
could do and feeling the foggy sadness blanket my heart, little
Gideon piped up from the backseat, “<span style="font-family: Kabel Book BT, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Wow!
Wow! Wow! Do you feel like an angel, mommy? Because you are driving
through clouds! It's soooo beautiful and like magic that heaven came
down from the sky!!" And somehow, the fog was lifted since once
again, one of my boys said something that jarred my heart out of
sadness and into the miracle that is living. </span></span></span>
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: Kabel Book BT, sans-serif;">To
hear Gideon being so optimistic is a miracle in and of itself. He
has been getting so fed up with all of his pain, laying down, crying,
all of it. I had to leave school on a few occasions because Gideon
was in so much anguish, silent tears streamed continuously from his
eyes. He was in so much pain, that while I waited for my substitute
to arrive, Gideon slept through 27 students banging on drums. All
the while, tears and moans escaped his little mouth. He said in the
car, “The only thing that doesn't hurt is my mouth.” I was given
permission to increase his dosage to control the pain, and that
definitely helped. I wanted to make sure nothing else was at the
root of this pain. If it was the chemo, okay. We will ride it out
until the end. But what if he had an internal infection (not so rare
with kids who have cancer and their immunity is suppressed)? Answers
would be on the way via SNOW DAY WEEK. </span>
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Kabel Book BT, sans-serif;">Yes,
last week was a Snow Day festival, I think. I felt beyond blessed
and lucky that we had the snow days when we did since they were the
days we spent at the Pediatric Gastroenterologist office. Gideon
didn't miss school. I didn't miss school. Brody felt like he was a
part of the healing by being there (all while not missing a day of
learning)! Grateful and relieved, Gideon was slated to go into
outpatient surgery as the doctors scoped and biopsied. Their results
showed organs that are picture perfect! This means we ride out the
pain with pain relievers until the end of chemo this August. You are
almost there, sweet buddy! I decided if Gideon is having another
rough day at school due to pain, I am pulling Kristen Snow out of her
classroom so that we can duet him into smiles. We have one fabulous
rendition of Wilson Phillips' “Hold On” song... It's going to
happen, and it'll end for all that hear and see our theatrical
rendition with laughter. Laughter has proven to be the best pain
killer around since this whole cancer thing started.</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Kabel Book BT, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #262626;">Gideon with Brody and his nurses. :)</span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Kabel Book BT, sans-serif;">So,
now I am feeling that otherworldly peace cushion every curve of my
heart. These quiet moments while the boys are sleeping and snow is
falling makes me feel like I am inhaling oxygen-love-particles. As
soon as I draw in a breath, they ricochet into bursts of warmth.
It's all going to be okay.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Kabel Book BT, sans-serif;">With
that, I want to share a video my principal shared with the staff. It
is dedicated to Gabbi, a little girl who is also fighting cancer.
It'll make you smile. It'll make you feel those bursts of warmth,
and it'll make you want to spread that warmth everywhere. Let's
dance.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Kabel Book BT, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #262626;"><br /></span></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-27789963798450068542013-01-21T19:51:00.001-05:002013-01-21T19:51:11.396-05:00Make a WIsh Interview<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/R61f_29LU_4" width="459"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-37212369812469905642013-01-07T22:15:00.000-05:002013-01-08T19:36:54.636-05:00Lots of New...<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Avant Guard, sans-serif;">HAPPY
NEW YEAR, everyone! I am relieved and optimistic with the newest
addition of Gideon's most recent doctor: Dr. Enow, a Pediatric
Gastroenterologist. My hope is that my sweet boy will have relief by
the end of the month, or at least be on a path to a more comfortable
stomach/intestinal existence. How I love progress! </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Avant Guard, sans-serif;">Our
Christmas Break was peaceful and busy at the same time. I adore that
dichotomy, since the “busy” is the part when there is a rush to
see as many loved ones as possible. And, peace. Well, that part is
an absolute blessing. The best part was snuggling under the warmest
blanket with my boys in Grand Marais, and watching the snow fall in
feathery puffs, like it is in no hurry to join the earth since this
will be its lightest and most free moment it'll ever enjoy on earth.
It will take its grand entry slowly, and savor the tumble. That is,
until Brody forms it into a massive snowball and rips it towards his
brother's face. What is it with snow and the need to use it as a
combative facial at the ages of 5 and 7? Someone always ends up
crying... I made the shoulder-down rule. Sometimes I can be such a
drag of a mommy.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Avant Guard, sans-serif;">It
was our time in the snow, that is for sure. While we were snowy cold
in the Upper Peninsula, the boys' daddy was in Mexico with his
girlfriend, and proposed to her. While I have not met the boys'
future step-mommy yet, I know that both Brody and Gideon possess so
much love in their hearts and there is always room for more. It is
my hope and prayer that future co-parenting with Tom and his new wife
will be like that snowfall: calm, peaceful and gentle. I know it is
possible and I believe, believe, believe that as long as every
situation is viewed through a Godly lens, and one that focuses on the
innocence of Brody and Gideon, that calm will prevail. I bought a
book tonight on the subject, and plan to read how to maneuver through
these newest waters. I know that she treats my boys well, and I know
that she will not face any struggles in loving them (but I am
partial)! A wise friend told me, “It shouldn't be called a
'step' parent, it should be called a 'bonus' parent.” Bonus love,
bonus memories and bonus happiness is what I want for those precious
monsters God has given me the gift of mothering. There is a plan for
us all! </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Avant Guard, sans-serif;">Tomorrow
is spinal chemo for Gideon at 8 am. He will be sedated early-on, and
will receive port chemotherapy. Please pray for a working port, a
positive attitude for our boy, a smooth injection with minimal side
effects. Gideon will be starting his next round of steroids, too. I
am hoping they usher in an appetite!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Avant Guard, sans-serif;">Thank
you for the love, prayers and continued open hearts as you think on
Gideon. I am wishing all of you a Happy, happy New Year! So are my
boys!</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-23608281384663181392012-12-16T15:11:00.002-05:002012-12-16T16:00:34.479-05:00The HelpersLike every parent in the nation, my heart is absolutely broken for the families in Connecticut. The cavernous dark of this act cannot be expressed in words. How this evil destroyed so much snow white innocence makes one stop and think, "How can this happen? How can God let this happen? Where WAS He?!" And while I cannot say I experienced this loss, I can say that I have felt that darkness before. And then something happened.<br />
<br />
I remember when Gideon was rushed into the PICU, hooked up to a heart monitor. I remember the doctors not being able to explain why Gideon's heart rate continued to decrease. I remember frantically wondering if I would leave that hospital without this light in my life, this gift from heaven: my precious baby boy. Right when I was about to yell at God, something switched within me, and there was a Holy presence that was both heavy and light at the same time. It felt like I was breathing in the cleanest, purest particles while my soul was held, actually caressed, into calm. It felt like the beams of grateful radiance were shooting out of the slats of each rib and pouring peace through my every particle. I didn't know if Gideon would live, but I knew everything was going to be okay. I was grateful and felt like praising God for Gideon and Brody, instead of yelling. I got it in that second: These boys of mine had added the greatest joy I had ever known in life, and I needed to be thankful for everything instead of disparaging over what may be lost. I watched the doctors and nurses milling around Gideon and knew everything would be done. God wasn't in the sickness, He wasn't in the doubt, He wasn't in the dark: He was and IS light. He was in the helpers.<br />
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<br />
<br />
My darkest moment created the moment of clearest joy.<br />
<br />
I don't think it is possible to find any joy in the act of what happened, but I am already hearing about heroes in those atrocious moments. I am already hearing stories of the victims and the impact their short lives had on so many. I am seeing and hearing countless people joining together to wrap this community up in help and in love. That's where God is: in the love.<br />
<br />
Now I am thinking about those baby witnesses in that school at that moment. I am thinking about our own children who can sense our worry and sadness as parents. Just like the quote above, that Mr. Rogers knew his stuff. I urge every parent/caretaker to go to <a href="http://www.fci.org/new-site/par-tragic-events.html">this link</a> and read valuable information on how you can help your own child while this horrific news blares all around him/her, courtesy of the wise Fred Rogers.<br />
<br />
In the meantime, I will admit to adding more tufts of mistletoe to the ceiling of my home to serve as more excuses to slather unexpected kisses on my babies every few seconds. Also, I need to give you an update. Gideon has been assigned to a pediatric gastroenterologist to get to the bottom of his pain. His medication for the pain he is dealing with has doubled, and that truly seems to be helping. So, thank you to everyone praying for my boy and so many others like him.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/u1p9kj-odnU?fs=1" width="480"></iframe><br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-71036997338954421712012-12-09T16:52:00.001-05:002012-12-09T16:52:09.886-05:00Momma Bear in the Woods
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Baccus, sans-serif;">Enough
is enough. I am tired, tired, tired of the heartbreak from hearing
Gideon screaming “OOOOWWWIE!” in the middle of his deep sleep.
I don't want to run into his room and see him in a ball-like fetus
rocking from side to side anymore. I have had enough of him waking
up every morning saying that his tummy is on fire, and not wanting to
leave mommy's side to go to school while tears stream down his face.
“I just need to lay down, mommy.” I have had enough of him
picking at his food, and only eating soft pretzels. Mostly, I am
tired of feeling like I am overdosing him on antacids that seem to be
placebo and nothing more. I need something to stop the pain. If
it's not the cancer causing the pain, let's battle the pain itself.
No one should be so uncomfortable, and I am tired of knowing that my
baby is hurting. That was a momma bear rant. But, I need all of
this to stop. </span>
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Baccus, sans-serif;">Gideon
still has a cough leftover from a loooong time ago, and a few nights
this week I lay awake listening to it while tuning my ear in order to
hear even a faint hint of a pneumonia rattle. Last year, we dealt
with that beast a ton. This year, I know not to physically push him
while he is getting over a cold. I got even more worried when Gideon
coughed so hard in the car that he threw-up (thus making us late for
Brody's hockey). Gideon has been coming into my classroom during
his recess time (which happens to by my lunch time), and lays on my
bean bags to rest. Due to all of the discomfort this week, he has
welcomed the rest time. That breaks my heart: the way he doesn't beg
to go outside to play with his friends. He says he just needs “to
lay down.” He's five. I want my baby to act it, please. </span>
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Baccus, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Thankfully,
last weekend we all lived within the inner compounds of emotional
shagri-la. Truly. On Friday, Brody, Gideon and I went on an “Owl
Prowl.” We learned how to make owl calls, saw a Great Horned Owl
up close, and then went on a night hike without flashlights or any
other artificial lights at all. Our eyes had to go back to their
prehistoric need to adjust to darkness. We were instructed to be as
quiet as we could. I held the gloved hands of two silent boys as we
walked heel-toe through the woods. Their voices didn't make a sound,
except to gasp softly at the far-away owl hoots. They squeezed my
hands every time they heard an owl, and that became our only form of
communication – excited hand squeezes. The tree limbs were ink
etches against hole-punctured carbon since the stars were sparkling
in all of their glory. It was a timeless walk without light of fire
or bulb, and my heart felt so free. I loved the way my nose was cold
and the way each breath filled my lungs with life. This felt like
life, this walk with my boys in silence and all senses acute. I
think you can tell we found a new favorite hobby. The way my boys
got so into the magic of nature made me so proud to be their mommy,
once again.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Baccus, sans-serif; font-size: large;">On
Saturday, we went to the Air Zoo to visit Santa and to ride the
rides. Then I was awed by my boys again. They wanted to spend more
time in the WWII section. They wanted to know about every gun, every
artifact, everything. Those who really know me know that I was
doubly in my glory! My boys shared my love of nature, and now
HISTORY?! Oh. I soaked it UP.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Baccus, sans-serif; font-size: large;">More
than anything, I am in awe with the way Gideon can ignore pain for as
long as he can to enjoy life. I don't know if I could ever be as
strong as him. He hiked as far as he could, and I carried him the
rest of the way during our hike. He stood and walked at the museum
as much as he could until he could not stand anymore. Instead of
crying and pouting and feeling sorry for himself like I would (along
with most everyone else), he whispers, “Mommy, I can't hold down
the hurt anymore and I need you to carry me or I need to rest.”
Mister Gideon, we will conquer this pain so that your love of life
and adventure is no longer squelched. His next chemo-at-the-hospital
visit is Tuesday. I will keep you all posted. I pray they can help
my boy. </span>
</div>
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<span style="font-family: Baccus, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-81832194032747949802012-11-17T21:05:00.002-05:002012-11-17T21:27:42.200-05:00Magical<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Britannic Bold, sans-serif;">We
were feeling peace and positivity walking into the hospital Friday
morning. We weren't told either way what these tests on Friday might
reveal, just that his numbers were uncommon when it comes to the
types of chemo takes (so that was unlikely to be the cause).
Everything else was left gaping open, and I tried-tried-tried not to
fill in the gaps with the incomplete information I found on my own
and through word of mouth.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Britannic Bold, sans-serif;">Instead,
the gap of possibilities was completely filled in with prayers and
love and positivity from the countless people thinking and praying
for Gideon. THANK YOU for those prayers. THANK YOU for showing so
much love! Once Gideon's blood was drawn, he remained “accessed”
incase further testing or drugs needed to be administered. Gideon's
oncologist told us that if his numbers remained where they were on
Tuesday, we would be geared up and ready for an ultrasound of the
internal organs. We would work from there. I was okay with the
step-by-step and systematic process. It all felt as though we were
getting somewhere, instead of running full sprint on the exhausting
treadmill of what-if. </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Britannic Bold, sans-serif;">The
results came in... HIS NUMBERS WERE BACK TO NORMAL!!! We were told
there was not a sure explanation for any of this, but I know the
explanation was prayer. Also, it was a reminder that I so needed:
Love the ones you have in your life ACTIVELY. Adore them. Cherish
them. Ignore the in-bin more than your children. Unplug every item
in the house during dinner (except for the lights...it gets dark
crazy early these days, and we don't want to chop off a pinky). When
it's sunny, forget the dust in your house that is caught shimmering
in the sunlight pouring into your room, get out there! Thank you,
God, for those reminders. </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Britannic Bold, sans-serif;">This
Thanksgiving season is brimming over with a cornucopia of blessings.
I don't deserve this harvest I've reaped in life, but here it is! In
front of me every single day I have two sets of blue eyes who smile
at me and call me “Mommy.” This morning, we snuggled in bed and
talked about how cozy flannel sheets make us feel. We then tried to
make static electricity sparks. It didn't work, but the movements we
made were hilarious, so we feasted on a breakfast of giggles.
Precious, happy, heart-awakening giggles.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Britannic Bold, sans-serif;">Gideon
and I bought a bird feeder from Wedel's as soon as we left the
hospital as his “poke prize”. He could pick out ANY bird feeder
he wanted, and he chose the sunshine yellow one because he felt the
birds could see it the best. Plus, it's for the winter and it will
remind the birds of the warm sun. Mmmmm... I love how he thinks. </span><span style="font-family: 'Britannic Bold', sans-serif;">We filled up his chemo prize with birdy treats and hung it up.</span><span style="font-family: 'Britannic Bold', sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Britannic Bold, sans-serif;">This
morning, after the gigglefest, we hurried downstairs to catch some
early birds through the kitchen window. Then: more magic. A spike,
fawn and a twelve point buck wondered in front of our house and near
our brand new feeder. I stood back in the kitchen, frozen and
watching. Gideon was pressed up to the window. I only remember
wishing I could move to get my camera, but I didn't want to startle
this magnificent creature. I had never seen one so close, a
full-racked deer. Just as I was thinking this thought, marveling at
the closeness of this wild beauty, the magic sprinkled more magic on
top of itself. The twelve-point buck WALKED UP to the window where
Gideon was perched, and the two of them stared at one another.
Gideon was making a sound that reminded me of a hushed giggle-sigh.
The sound he was making coupled by the scene in front of me was too
gorgeous, and it felt holy. I felt awash with amazement and
thankfulness. Then, he was gone and Gideon turned to me, “I guess
he wanted to see the bird feeder, too!” I replied, “No, I think
he wanted to see YOU.” </span>
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Yellow bird feeder </div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Grilled chicken eaten outside! HOORAY! </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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Gideon in the leaf pile!</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Precious Big-bro</div>
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<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;">
Meet Rudy Christmas. He is Gideon's Christmas dog who plays "Rudolph" when his paw is pressed.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-68065727089344659692012-11-14T17:37:00.002-05:002012-11-14T17:37:44.339-05:00Waiting and trusting.
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">The
more worry and fear that I allow to invade my heart, the less space
there is for the peace I know and remember. I was up late last
night. Very, very late. I was contemplating that dinosaur that took
turns suffocating and eating my heart yesterday. Here's what I
realized: Somehow in the folds of my cranium, there is the idea that
I can somehow deflect or ward off hardships simply by worrying about
it. I remembered the positive naivety and the
there-is-no-way-this-is-cancer attitude I took at the beginning of
this journey, and the devastating shock of grief that came when I
learned I was wrong. I think I was scared of being too positive
yesterday. I think I wanted to tell myself to breathe, to not think
the worst, all of that, but I was SCARED to do that because that was
too eerily similar to where my mind and heart was before this all
began. It was the cancer diagnosis baggage weighing me down. I was
letting the cancer define my thoughts, worries, and heartache. But,
no matter the outcome, I never want to hand that kind of power over
to such a despicable and evil disease. Never.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">So,
I have had my tears. I let myself get it out. I had a very animated
and angry talk with God. Thankfully, God is Love and He is still
holding me close. Now, I will look forward and realize that the
doctors have no idea what caused these number changes in Gideon's
blood. I focused on the one possibility of a relapse, and the
dinosaur took over. I could just as easily realize that there are
any number of possibilities, and I feel it is more likely to be the
chemo than cancer. Then... I kept thinking about all of Gideon's
“hot belly” complaints and the way Prevacid does not work to
squelch the pain, and I worried all over again. I have not felt
right about all of that pain for awhile now. AGAIN...this could be
from the drugs. It could be from so many factors. Shame on me for
googling and seeing words flash on the screen, and then melt into a
foggy blur of tears and sobs, thus inviting the dinosaur a seat on my
soul with open arms. No more googling for me from here on out, I
promise.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">Waiting
is not something I am a fan of doing. I want to fix it. I want the
new normal of chemo drugs and progression that is steady and textbook
towards a complete and total cure. </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">For
now, let's rule out one variable at a time until we pinpoint what is
causing the commotion in such a little body. I feel like I can
breathe now. It's not that I am waiting to worry. It's that I am
waiting on God. No matter what, Gideon is alive and sweet and so
himself. I will savor and take it all a test at a time. I am not
even going to think of what it could be anymore. This isn't denial.
This isn't head in the sand stuff. I realize the severe and the
minuscule situations that these results can put us in, but where are
we now? Alive. Loving one another. Whatever it is, we will deal
with the outcome alongside those who love us while looking up to the
One who knows it all.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">Lastly,
I want to thank fellow cancer momma Rachelle for sending me this:
“Praying 2 Timothy 1:7 over you. 'God did not give us a spirit of
fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.' That sound mind is
probably the hardest. You are loved and held in prayer.” </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">My
crazy mind is soothed by all of your prayers. That peace is directly
influencing my boys, and I can't thank you enough for all of the
positivity and love that you have all been pouring on top of my
fog-induced brain. I have been baptized by it all, renewed by it
all, and ready to battle for my baby.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">Please
keep praying.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">The
Wii timer is about to go off, and we have a clay pot making marathon
to commence. Sweet-sweet normalcy. Please stay.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Technical, sans-serif;">Gideon and "Little Dog"... He was there since the beginning.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-69351785397965925372012-11-13T20:33:00.001-05:002012-11-14T17:33:20.504-05:00Please, God.Two. That's the number of Gideon's appointments I have missed. One was today. I won't focus on the guilt I feel for not being there, or the fact that his port wasn't working and for the first time, drugs needed to be used to make it work. No. I need you all to know about the crazy huge dinosaur, most likely a ravenous meat-eater, that is sitting on my chest and refuses to budge.<br />
<br />
"Wait to worry. Don't think of the worst. Stay positive. Breathe. Don't let your thoughts go there." I used to say those things to people. How clueless I was before, before cancer. That was when I KNEW Gideon COULDN'T have leukemia. When there was NO WAY it could EVER touch my baby. Now here I am, with this perpetual mist that is thicker than any fog floating around my head right now. It's a wet fog. It adds to the dormancy of that dinosaur who is camped out on me and doesn't want to venture into this thicker-than-fog mist. <br />
<br />
Gideon's blood counts were off today. They were the chemistries within his kidneys, to be more specific. What does this mean? Even while Dr. Lobel talked to me this afternoon, I feel like every word thickened the mist, and I became more jumpy with the unknown. I'll just focus on what I know.<br />
<br />
Here it is:<br />
We will halt all chemo (besides his steroids) to make sure this isn't a crazy side effect of the drugs. Dr. Lobel said he has never seen any side effect from drugs present itself this way, though. On Friday, at 9:30am, Gideon will undergo lab testing. If his numbers all-of-a-sudden are normal, we can look into the possibilities of it being an anomaly of a reaction towards the drugs. If his numbers are still off, we need to search deeper.<br />
<br />
This is when I asked, "What else could it be? Could it be a relapse? Could it be more Leukemia?" <br />
<br />
Doctor Lobel said, "We want to rule that out." <br />
<br />
That's when the dinosaur found my soul. Not sure if he is still sitting or has decided to start feasting on my heart. I really want him to go back into extinction. Please. I really don't know what was said after that. Something about bone marrow tests down the road for more answers. I can't be sure, though. I don't know how much was a nightmare and how much was real.<br />
<br />
Dr. Lobel did say this could be a fluke result. My ears perked up at that, but then he added, "But I don't think so since the test was run multiple times." <br />
<br />
Sweet-sweet-sweet boy. Precious sparkle-eyed honey who doesn't deserve any of this crap. None of it. <br />
<br />
Gideon and Brody were in my classroom while this conversation happened. Tom's girlfriend hired a real hockey trainer to work with Brody this afternoon, and the boy was so excited. It was surreal to have such happiness and pent up excitement skipping around me while this kind of conversation was happening. Gideon, in the meantime, continued to draw smiley-faces on my entrance line in my classroom, so that "Kids remember to smile as they come in the music room!" according to Gideon. He hummed happily while he did it.<br />
<br />
Once Brody left on his adventure with daddy and Heather, and after I ran into the staff bathroom to have a mini-breakdown (thank you, amazing Early El colleagues for showering love on me), I looked at Gideon and said, "Let's do something fun. YOU name it. Anything."<br />
<br />
His answer? "Let's go to Cracker Barrel. Pancakes sound amazing..."<br />
<br />
So. I bought more toys in that store than I probably should have. We ate pancakes and played Cracker Barrel "I SPY" for a couple of hours. We named his virtual fish friends on my iPhone. We shopped for plants to plant in my fairy garden...<br />
<br />
And now we wait. I wish I could say that those horrific memories of the beginning of this horrendous journey are not replaying in my mind, but I would be lying.<br />
<br />
Truth: I believe in prayer. I believe in miracles. I believe that the more human voices joined together with petitions to our God, the better. I am praying for good fishies. May they be swimming so strongly inside of my boy. Please pray with me. No cancer sharks allowed. Ever.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-25303003301352865712012-11-04T23:45:00.000-05:002012-11-04T23:45:18.256-05:00Brother.<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
It's when they are forced apart that it
all comes together. Brody and Gideon have a connection that truly is
titanium and solid. They took turns being sick, and had to be kept
apart because of this sickness. While Brody battled a fever, he
actually started to cry and said, “Is Gideon okay? He really
wanted to be with you tonight, didn't he, mommy?” And then a little
sob escaped his lips because he actually felt guilty about that
separation. He asked to talk to him on the phone whenever he went to
sleep, and Gideon asked for the same.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Of course, there are those inevitable
times when they are a pile of swinging fists and kicking legs, but
then I get to watch the almost instantaneous forgiveness that comes
after the savage attacks. That's the amazing part to me -- to see anger almost immediately dissipate into nothingness. They then let it all go, all of the resentment, and are back to playing as if it never happened. No grudges are kept, and peace wins. Baffling and beautiful is what that is! </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Two distinctly unique boys with
personalities that are pretty mismatched, my boys share a kindred
spirit of brotherhood that blows me away. I love listening to their
mini-people talk. I call it mini-people because, well, besides being
miniature humans, they talk with genuine frankness and with a tone
that is so grown-up, but the issues at hand have to do with which
Beyblade has the best defense or how cucumbers are related to
pickles... Miniature importance to the adult world, but not so small
to these two.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
At dinner last night, Gideon told us he
plans to be a chef at a restaurant called “Good Fishies” and that
he'd donate the money to childhood cancer research. This did not feel like mini-talk, and it was something he decided with a definitive nod of his head. Brody answered, “Great
idea! I'll eat there.” And, by the lack of sarcastic glint and
because I know that boy so well, I could tell by the way Brody was
looking at his brother that he believed him and would support him
through any endeavor little (or grown-up) Gideon chooses.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
These two have been through much more
than most siblings experience together. I know big and wonderful things will come
to be because of the huge sense of togetherness and understanding
they share. I thank God every single day that I get to witness their
friendship.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/DaQlQ-BgviU" width="420"></iframe></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-43715298177098428322012-10-21T22:15:00.001-04:002012-10-21T22:16:01.476-04:00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Still shocked. So I won't speak. <br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ft4HsH_NLP0" width="420"></iframe></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And, a little dancing celebration from my Brody:</div>
<div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ToSm_RtjXUM?list=UUROfQO_L9eHrxZNI7T1CTng&hl=en_US" width="560"></iframe></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And, a little more ;)...</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/wm7NEfE3xmQ?list=UUROfQO_L9eHrxZNI7T1CTng&hl=en_US" width="560"></iframe></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-79822300511032753182012-10-18T21:48:00.001-04:002012-10-18T21:59:46.331-04:00Pretzels<br />
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">
Flashback:</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">
They told me monks invented the shape of pretzels to mimic the shape their arms would make while praying, so I placed one after another in my mouth and ate prayer after silent, salty prayer. I didn't bite down. Not once. Instead I let the salt granules melt, the dark layer of brown disintegrate until the soggy innards of the prayer became nothing but thickened saliva for me to swallow. This was holy work, this ingestion of unspoken prayers. It was the only food I could eat since eating seemed so odd to me. How could I pick up a fork while my pale three-year-old lay fighting for his life next to me? I was afraid to breathe, let alone chew.</div>
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</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">
"Eat, Amanda! Eat!" the nurses would say, the relatives would say, the teary-eyed-and-bewildered friends would say. I always nodded. "What sounds good?" they'd all ask. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">
I would say, "pretzels," but it might as well have been "prayers." That was all that seemed to register in my mind. That's the only thing I was doing without making the words at all. Just the feeling. So, when words to God couldn't be formed without sobs, I prayed in pretzels.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">
Present-day:</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">
All Gideon will eat right now without crying in pain is soft pretzels without salt. I have been warming them up at school and bringing them to the lunchroom. The damage to his intestinal area from all of this chemo poison doesn't seem to want to heal. His insides are aflame and in so much pain. So, I feed him more plain and tasteless pretzels, and I can't help but feel myself being transported back to that hospital stay full of pretzels and fear. My prayer pretzels have not heard any new ones lately. Heal, baby! HEAL!</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">
Can a communion wafer be made out of pretzel? I think it should.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">
Gideon is upstairs sleeping. He wants me to crawl in bed with him so that we can cuddle. He promises to "Treat me like a lightbulb" even though he's on his "crazy person medicine" (steroids). That's what he said... I will be his lightbulb and he will treat me like a fragile thing since I am his "sweet momma". Thank you, God. He is a gift even when he is RAGING from the medicine.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">
Gideon had his spinal chemo on Tuesday, and today he had a headache through and through to a full-on body-on-fire-ache. Again, my boy was able to curl up on my beanbag and sleep as my classes filed in and sang and danced around him. I kept offering going to grandma's house, but he wanted to be by momma. And pretzels. Those prayer-full pretzels. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">
I think I will break open a bag now. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-30528994943665379972012-10-14T22:23:00.002-04:002012-11-14T14:42:17.463-05:00Puffy Sheep TRUMP puffy dark clouds. Always.<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
First, the news we have all been hoping
for: Izzy's scans of her tumors came back cancer-free! Thank you for
all of the prayers and well-wishes. Please keep her in your prayers
as the doctors continue to scan and check her spinal fluid, as well.
She fights through her disease with so much beautiful optimism, it
makes me want to stop grumpy strangers on the street and tell them
about her... Life is a miraculous gift, and even though her life is
so much harder than so many others, Izzy knows and sparkles through
it all.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Life has been uplifting and eye-opening
at the same time these days. I am lifted up by the tremendous
dominance of good souls on this planet seeing needs, and filling
those needs without a string attached – just open hearts. The
volunteers, the kids who played kickball, the people who donated time
and money...I was overwhelmed by that love. It is crazy to me to
comprehend any negativity someone would point out when it comes to an
event benefitting childhood cancer. I had ONE person complain about
the event. ONE. One person who must have so much internal anger and
frustration in that moment, that the big picture was completely askew and the
goodness of it all could not come into focus for him. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
At the time that I opened the email,
little Izzy was having her tumors in her brain scanned for cancer.
It was the exact moment because I remember closing my eyes and
praying for Izzy and sending those pink bubbles of prayer to the
table where she laid under the influence of a strong sedative. So,
that's where my mind was. That's where my heart was. Then, I read
negative words from someone who never experienced any pain from
childhood cancer. From scans. From any of the nastiness this
disease entails. And he felt it was in his place to do this – to
be negative at all about our event. I saw red, people, and I was NOT
proud of the thoughts I had running through my mind about this
individual. It took over me, the absolute disgust I was feeling. It
trumped the thousands of dollars we earned, and the gorgeousness that
was the celebration of these kids who stood with their warrior medals
hanging around their necks. I forgot, in that instant, the deeply
emotional moment when 36 sky lanterns were lifting into the sky
filled with prayers for the 36 kids who were diagnosed with cancer
that day. One pink lantern lifted in memory of Hailey Grace Brown's,
too. The gravity of why we did what we did and how that
accomplishment felt all evaporated by one person's negativity.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Whose fault was that?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
MINE.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
They say it is only in experience that
true wisdom is garnered. I will take this rant-like email as an
experience. Obviously, not everyone is as passionate about funding
childhood cancer research as a mom who has a child with cancer, but
it is clear that the desperate NEED for this funding is widely unknown. I will take this email as a message to learn by: many
people are in the dark about the facts. This event is not just a
school-wide assembly where there are supplies we need, volunteers to
set-up, etc. It is so much more than that. This event, Mattawan
Kicks Out Kids' Cancer, is about kids playing in honor of children in
our OWN school battling this disease. It's about showing these kids
that we support them and desire a cure, too. It's showing that we
understand that it is only in advocating and in raising funds for
research that progress towards a cure is certain. It's about LIFE
and quality of LIFE for children.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I am now thankful for that email. It
only strengthened my resolve to power through and fight harder on
behalf of the children with cancer who cannot verbally stand against those who do not support the cause. This did not deter me, but instead, I
went through my list of donors, volunteers, and DREAM TEAM members
who worked tireless hours to make this event a reality. I fell
asleep counting, and I was well into the hundreds. This is the
truth, and it felt much puffier and comforting than counting sheep.
I went to sleep counting the human blessings who understood that
without CureSearch, when Gideon was diagnosed, we would have been
told that his end was near. Instead, he has a positive prognosis.
CureSearch saved Gideon's life. No negativity can tarnish the beauty
that is progress against this disease.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
To all of those COUNTLESS people who
dedicated even one minute or one dollar to the event, THANK YOU for
being one of the puffy sheep who shed light on one dark experience,
and blessed so many lives that rainy and cold Saturday. <span style="font-family: Times Roman, serif;">“...</span><span style="color: #030f19;"><span style="font-family: Times Roman, serif;">whatever
is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent
or praiseworthy--think about such things</span></span><span style="color: #030f19;"><span style="font-family: ArialMT, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">.”
Thankful for wisdom that always was, is, and will be in the future.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #030f19;"><span style="font-family: ArialMT, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Please,
if you get anything at all from this post: Don't allow darkness,
especially if it is only ONE cloud, drown out the sun that is life
and beauty. Wisdom. I am stiiiiiiiill learning.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #030f19;"><span style="font-family: ArialMT, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></span>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-88115755689399274232012-10-07T19:47:00.001-04:002012-10-07T19:48:15.385-04:00Sparkly IzzyI am overwhelmed by all of the generosity and help so many provided in this year's Mattawan Kicks Out Kids' Cancer event! I know so many worked tirelessly alongside me, and there are just so many people I want to thank, and I will do that in my next video :). We started last year hoping to make $5,000, but we more than doubled that goal. This year, we have made $18,000 and people are still opening their wallets and donating. If you want to drive that amount even higher, please click <a href="http://www.returntorecess.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=1039097&lis=1&kntae1039097=A0BFE903009842B38C82ACEB977508E7">here</a>. Soon all of the money we made at the event itself will be plugged into the website. CureSearch has made Gideon's prognosis promising. Without this organization, his cancer would be a final death sentence. To say I am grateful for their work... Well... That doesn't come close to explaining it. I am not afraid to beg for sponsors, volunteers, bids or auction items. My son is breathing.<br />
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I have a new request for every set of eyes reading this message: pray for sweet Izzy. Sparkly Izzy is a first grader at Mattawan, and I have the immense joy of being her music teacher. I mean it. I say immense joy and it is the honest truth. When she talks, there is a giggle ready to escape behind her every word. Her eyes glimmer, and when she feels happiness, she tilts her head and lets it completely engulf her in twirls and exuberance. She is the very pinkest and fluffiest of girl purity. And she needs us all to pray for her. Tomorrow she has scans, and we needneedneed those scans to come back clear of this monster known as cancer. I asked her momma for permission to ask for those prayers. I am pausing all celebratory videos for our event yesterday until I can stop holding my breath and good news is the result of those scans. Izzy, I am sending my prayers in the pinkest, most irredescent bubbles. When they pop over your bed tonight, I pray they sprinkle over your head like fairy's dust -- the most powerful and magical of all fairies. I love you, sweet girl!<br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bP7hUCxFnRA&sns=em">Please click here to meet sweet Izzy via computer.</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-57243858671358729572012-09-25T18:47:00.001-04:002012-09-25T18:48:36.097-04:00Mattawan Kicks Out Kid Cancer - The Morning Show with Ken Lanphear - FM 106.5 Music Variety from Yesterday & Today<a href="http://myfm1065.com/podcasts/morning-show-ken-lanphear-2/mattawan-kicks-out-kid-cancer/#.UGI0Hja41Rk.blogger">Mattawan Kicks Out Kid Cancer - The Morning Show with Ken Lanphear - FM 106.5 Music Variety from Yesterday & Today</a><br />
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THANKS to Ken Lanphear! He made me feel so calm and welcomed. Right when I walked in he informed me that his wife and daughter have been following my blog, soooo... THANK YOU, ENTIRE LANPHEAR family for the support and love. I pray that this interview generates interest and, with that interest, more donations to CureSearch.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-39341977541741582782012-09-23T18:01:00.002-04:002012-09-23T18:01:51.492-04:00The Odd Life is a GOOD lifeI had no idea "The Odd Life of Timothy Green" would be such a tear-jerker. Of course, this is a boy who understands the meaning of life. As he says, "What's the use of having gifts if you can't give them away?" And every single time the sun would shine, he would stretch his arms out, lift his face to the sky, and smile. He also understood that our "time with those we love is short." And so, I bawled for basically the entire movie. I kept wondering why I brought my boys and I felt like it was just too emotional for them. But, as we left, Gideon said, "That Timothy has the light. And he's not gone for good, mommy. No one that good goes away for good. They last and last and last." So, all three of us talked about life and the way we live it. Now, I can safely say, it was a great idea that we saw that movie. <br />
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Why were we watching a movie on a pretty Sunday afternoon? Little Gideon is in a lot of pain from this round of chemo and steroids. His legs cramp up, his head hurts, his tummy hurts...everything. I wanted to do something that would get his mind off of it all. So, what did I do? Brought him to see a movie about a glorious little boy whose time on earth is short. Ugh. But, I am stopping myself. It stirred up a lot of talk and love for us. Remember? I remember. And, Gideon is beating his beast! I know he is. He doesn't have leaves falling off his legs...like Timothy. He just has all of that light and then some.<br />
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So, Gideon had chemo on Tuesday. By Thursday, his kindergarden teacher came to me to say that he was too worn out and uncomfortable from it all. She brought him into my classroom during his recess, and Gideon laid on my beanbags and drifted to sleep. He hurt too much to eat. He didn't want to go home, but he wanted to be by me. I asked Derek, our principal, if it was okay for Gideon to stay on the beanbag while I taught the rest of my classes that day. He looked at me and said, "Of COURSE it is! Kids' needs come first here!" And they do. Really. I am blessed to work in a place who understands what matters and why. I adore our school culture.<br />
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Speaking of school culture, Mattawan had a GOLD OUT for Kids' Cancer at Friday night's game. And we won! The gold shirts were a success, and I am hoping that will spur on people to sign up to play in the <a href="http://www.returntorecess.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=1039097&lis=1&kntae1039097=8292F7D0DB944EA5ABE0C9AFD7910C0D&login=t">kickball tournament (or donate money)</a>. THANK YOU, Mattawan advocates. I am ever-so-grateful that so many people get it.<br />
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For the rest of our Sunday, we are going to live like it is always fall and we need to make the most out of every sunny moment. What's the use in having gifts if we can't give them away? <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /></3>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-82486098726035789502012-09-12T18:46:00.001-04:002012-09-12T19:21:28.840-04:00What Makes You Alive<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/4hXsP869Rxs?fs=1" width="459"></iframe><br />
I thought I would share our morning song with you. We listen to it most mornings, and it has become our go-to question when we feel ourselves get a little greedy or selfish or pouty. All I have to do now is ask, "What makes you alive?" and my boys will answer, "It's not what you get, it's all that you give." Then the sharing commences... I hope this works forever. If not, I better find another potent-messaged song to use as my teachable tool. <br />
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School for my boys has been great. Both of them adore their teachers, and I love-love-love running into them in the halls. Those surprise hugs and smooches just make my day. At the end of the day, they both come into my classroom, immediately open their bags and show me what they accomplished. Brody is my little filer. As soon as Gideon takes out his math or art, they get scattered in a mosaic of Kindergarden fun on the floor, Brody promptly starts stacking and putting them away in Gideon's folder. He even puts the math related things together, then the art, and so on... I am sticking him in my closet to organize my shoes pretty soon. The boy has skills! <br />
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First DAY of SCHOOL!</div>
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I have been very busy with Mattawan Kicks Out Cancer Kickball Tournament. As you know, we raised over $10,000 last year, and that is pretty intimidating since we are having a slower start this year. I have faith, though! My worries are nothing compared to those of some of my friends... I just talked to a cancer mom today who was told she has to hold off on giving her daughter anymore chemo because her little body can't take the poison anymore. So, what's the only other option? Wait for the cancer to come back with a vengeance so that chemo MUST be used again. She was told they could only get her little sweet girl "stable," but not "cancer-free." Okay. Why are we holding this kickball event? For girls like THIS ONE. The work is worth it if ONE drug is made to her benefit. <br />
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If you are willing to donate to this event with ALL proceeds going to CureSearch for Children's Cancer, please visit <a href="http://www.returntorecess.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1039097&lis=1&kntae1039097=54784C141D1744AF9D423FC28DBE2EAD&supId=327951820">Brody's fundraising page</a> or <a href="http://www.returntorecess.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1039097&lis=1&kntae1039097=54784C141D1744AF9D423FC28DBE2EAD&supId=350871510">Gideon's fundraising page</a> and make a donation online. If you have something we could auction in our silent auction, please contact me: aschrips@gmail.com. If you want to hang something pretty on your window, please buy a Gideon's CureCatcher, as pictured below. I make these with Gideon's help, and we pray on which bead for a cure to childhood cancer. I am selling them depending on size, but the average price is $50 and all proceeds go to CureSearch. The problem is, I don't think I can ship them. SooOOooOooo...if you live around here and want one, I would be more than happy to get it to you!<br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zmoY3IywUw&list=UUROfQO_L9eHrxZNI7T1CTng&index=2&feature=plcp">Click here to see more about Mattawan Kicking Out Childhood Cancer!</a><br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-72159088950957206072012-09-03T22:05:00.000-04:002012-09-03T22:59:57.268-04:00Surreal...<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Ujz_sDFRerY?fs=1" width="459"></iframe><br />
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I know. I know. I know. It's the last night of summer and my baby, my Gideon, is starting Kindergarden TOMORROW. I should be bawling my eyes out due to the fact that my tiny boy is being unleashed into this world known as growing up and attending ALL DAY school. I should be gazing at him in his bed while tears fall silently as I say again and again, "Where has the time gone?" But, here I am with tears of concentrated thankfulness. I remember when Gideon's heartbeat was slowing waaaay down, when the chemo was doing horrendous things to his brain, when I clutched his three-year-old hand and begged God to fill him with more-more-more light of life. I remember in that moment wanting to see him survive one more day. One more week. Just more time on this planet, is all I wanted. Now, here he is: a big boy Kindergardener, and I am guzzling down a soul-float. (This is like a root beer float, only my heart and soul is just breathing in the air around me and it is giving me the same jolt of happiness as the ice cream snack.)<br />
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He is doing so well, everyone. He recently had the EXACT same reaction to his chemo as waaaay back when during the "Clear poop" incident, but it was strange how I was all, "Oh, yeah. I remember this" about the situation. You blog readers since the beginning remember it too, I am sure. I'll spare the details this time. His numbers are doing well, he is still struggling with his internal issues due to the longtime chemo usage, but we are battling back with Prevacid. He is also currently obsessed with Chinese food during steroid time. You should see this boy with a set of chopsticks at three in the morning...it's baffling the dexterity he has while managing rice granules at such an hour. <br />
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Brody is just growing in incredible ways, too. He smiles more. He understands how he can contribute and help those around him. He is just too fun, and his dry-witty sense of humor makes me guffaw sometimes. Really, I never knew a first grader better at the side-long-adult-look of sarcasm. He is still more grown-up than I am. <br />
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My classroom is smack-dab in the middle of my boys, and I can't tell you how wonderful that truly is going to be. Life this year is sure to be amazing, I know it. Gideon says he thinks Mr. Wheaton made a perfect choice in choosing his teacher since she "loves to cuddle" just like him! Move over, Mattawan...You've got a lover headed your way. Hopefully he'll take breaks in hugging to do math, learn to read, you know...that stuff.<br />
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Now I am looking up to God and saying, "You knew all along where I would be...where my boys would be, and we are all headed to where we are supposed to be." I feel that. I feel this release of wow at all of the life changes that have occurred for us, and how this spot we are in at this instant is where we are meant to be. I'm going to run with it. Or just breathe it like it's ice cream. Yeah, ice cream sounds better than running.<br />
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Gideon is now obsessed over the idea of "healing people" and being a doctor. I see it. His nature/science smarts are there, and if all of this poking and prodding he has had to endure brings him to that profession, that would be a blessing to those patients. Empathy? Yes. He would have it. His imagination and the way he is naturally outside of the box will help him find a cure for cancer. I know it.<br />
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Speaking of a cure, September is CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS month. Mattawan is hosting the kickball tournament again to raise money for CureSearch, and I am out on the prowl looking for a sponsor(s) for the event. I'll keep you posted. <br />
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With all that I am grateful for, I heard a song tonight that just set me off into my tears. A family has been heavy on my heart, a kid-cancer family. I adore them and they are faced with choices no parent should be forced to make. It makes my insides roll. It makes me feel like all of it is NOT fair and that MORE needs to be done. "I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders came on and I puddled to the floor. I am thankful for these friendships, for these families who get it. I want more people on the outskirts to step in and become active in the fight. I want all of Mattawan, Kalamazoo, Michigan, the nation to rally around this family and so many like them this month and beyond to become advocates so that there are more options for these little ones.<br />
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Decorate your car with gold ribbons. Your Facebook page. Volunteer your time for the kickball tournament. Donate something to the Silent Auction. Donate to the cause. Seriously, if you feel moved to do something, here is my invitation to move: email me. aschrips@gmail.com. I promise to offer a cornucopia of ways you can make a difference this month, Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8686489679814886752.post-53004829310601359722012-06-28T13:42:00.002-04:002012-06-28T14:05:31.081-04:00SUMMAH tiiiiiiiimeGideon's most recent battle with pneumonia has been won, I just brought Brody back from his last day at skateboarding camp, and now we can't seem to sit still due to the INCREDIBLE excitement that creeps in as our approaching trip to Grand Marais draws nearer! We are daydreaming out loud about all of the incredible things we plan to do up there. Speaking of Grand Marais, I would like the town to know that Brody purchased some Captain America costume pieces with the money you sent. He'll model it for you in the 4th of July parade. Gideon bought a glider... That will be sailing over the bay, I am sure. Grand Marais continues to love on my boys, and we can't wait to love on you SOON.<br />
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Yes, we are excited. Gideon's emotions are in overdrive since he had his Vincristine chemo on Tuesday and we are heavy into STEROID WEEK. I am hoping that the Gideon I transport for 8 hours up north in the car will be the sweet and loving part of the chemo accordion. I would rather pull over for cuddling and not to restrain him from Hulking-out on his brother. I am nervously laughing right now...hear it?<br />
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Ahem. Gideon's numbers at clinic were phenomenal. His cough from pneumonia is almost gone! When he was allowed to get a "poke prize" from the treasure box, he picked UNO. We have UNO, but I soon found out why he chose that game. A bunch of his chemo kid friends were in the treatment room, and he wanted to play with them. He told me after the cancer kid camp (Camp Catch-a-Rainbow) that Kevin is now his best friend. Kevin was one of the boys in the room, as well as beautiful Camrie. Gideon finished in last place, but he smiled and gave his friends high-fives as I sang him the "Losing Song". I am sure you know it: "WAH-WAH-WAAAAAAAAAAH!" He thinks it's a funny song, thankfully, and doesn't mind losing since he gets to sing the ditty with me. Let's see if that attitude stays this week... Crossing my fingers.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3WA8ysL4Z5biK8PVW8uSjcXR9ioNwqXsDaQgcuMcbV6SJNcXqE4iUkfSzNbax6FutbdSUscnHVIAqfw1yfy5iga0PmIvMmy-dDlcVwoaozKSuz8dXfX0zx5cSsIMcqH55OIbijY35Emc/s1600/photo-30.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="240" width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3WA8ysL4Z5biK8PVW8uSjcXR9ioNwqXsDaQgcuMcbV6SJNcXqE4iUkfSzNbax6FutbdSUscnHVIAqfw1yfy5iga0PmIvMmy-dDlcVwoaozKSuz8dXfX0zx5cSsIMcqH55OIbijY35Emc/s320/photo-30.JPG" /></a></div>(Gideon with his Cancer Fighting BFFs!)<br />
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Now... I think with the proximity to the fourth of July, I need to explain what an extreme blessing my trip to Washington D.C. turned out to be. Mary Kay, Emma's mommy and a SUPER amazing friend of mine, was my advocating partner for the trip. We traveled together, visited congressmen/women, and senators. The amount of information we learned was astronomical, but the immensely huge reward of feeling as though we were ACTIVELY changing something in our government in the names of our children...there are no words in our language. That type of honor, privilege, and gift was elevating my soul as a constant balloon that lifted me someplace higher than I have ever been.<br />
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We were told that "The Creating Hope Act" was on the five yard line and that our help was needed to push it all of the way through Senate. It passed the House, but was in conference. We needed to convince the Senators to pass the bill as the House depicted it: giving pharmaceutical companies incentives (a monetary carrot in the form of patenting other more money-making drugs longer, so no tax money would be used) to develop NEW drugs for pediatric cancer patients (a new drug hasn't been developed since 1980 because...get this...it wasn't PROFITABLE), but also to fine companies that do not comply with alerting the FDA when life-saving medicine was going to be in short supply (the stick). <br />
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Mary Kay, myself, and two other families (including their superhero kids) attended the meetings together. We took turns describing why our "Three Asks" (as seen in the video below) greatly affected OUR children. We shared anecdotes and even tears. What politician could look us in the eyes and say, "No"? <br />
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As I walked the Hill from one appointment to the next, a heavy sensation of pride for my country overtook me. It did. Complain about taxes. Complain about healthcare. But guess what? We are ALLOWED to complain. We are granted that freedom. Just like I, a simple citizen, was allowed to lobby for my cause in order to make bills move faster for my beliefs. What an HONOR. When I was in China, a Chinese tour guide smiled and said, when asked, that "The one child law is right and just." Her smile didn't reach her eyes, and when she turned away, the smile didn't just go away, it instantly vaporized into a scowl as she turned her face down towards the ground. Yet another Chinese tour guide actually DENIED there ever having been tanks in Tiananmen Square, and shook his head in confusion of not understanding who this "Tank Man" could have been. And...me... I was heading to a sit-down meeting with a man who helps makes LAWS for our NATION. We are allowed to do this. We can make things happen! To be honest, I dreaded US Government class in high school. I simply memorized the governmental roadmap for the test and I didn't really care much more than that A grade. But to BE THERE, to be actively involved in something so much bigger than me...wow. I have been biten by the governmental vampire and I am thirsty to do MORE, MORE, MORE in order to do something good of our nation.<br />
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We are a blessed people. As you can see from the video below, our efforts were not in vain. God Bless the USA, and God BLESS those children with cancer who the government granted a VOICE in our nation (finally!).<br />
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